Tuesday, December 14, 2010

New CD releases for December 21st

It seems that good music has started it's Christmas vacation already, leaving a big gaping hole for the remainder of the music industry to scramble for the vacant top spot. To use a Christmas analogy, there ain't nothin' left on this turkey but dark meat, gristle and bones.
Yeah, I said Christmas. Not Festive Season, not Holidays... CHRISTMAS.
We make an effort to accommodate your beliefs and religions, so you can sure as hell stop trying to make Christmas more politically correct.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dear Tina - Bored In The Bedroom

Dear Tina,
my girlfriend is rich and wants to get married. The trouble is, she wants sex all the time and I am already bored with her. Sure, there's stuff we haven't tried yet (pegging, scat, etc) but my real problem is that my greatest turn-on sexually is being with someone I’ve never had sex with before. I always get bored in LTRs after a couple months, and I’m already going through the motions and faking orgasms and enjoying porn behind her back. also, her vaginal secretions smell like burning tires and she wipes her ass incompletely. what should i do?

sincerely, bored in the bedroom

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Dear Tina - Helping Her Peers

Dear Tina,
I have a regular advice column on a popular blog (not as popular as yours) and like you, I am reliant on people sending in questions for me to offer advice. How do you keep a constant flow of topics and questions in order to maintain your column?

Sincerely, George Travis (DearLibby@phoenixdailynews.com)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The ultimate counterfeit-proof banknote

The new hundy is due to be circulated on February 10th 2011, providing the U.S Department of the Treasury can get the printing machine to work properly.

This is what it looks like. Go print some off*

New CD releases for December 14th

Another week without country music? We knew that Country music was in a hiatus since Brooks and Dunn got divorced and everything coming out of Nashville recently has been Greatest Hits albums.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

New CD releases for December 7th

Finally a week of new releases with no country music. I had to dig out 2 soundtrack CD's and revive a cold dead crooner, but no country. Yeehaw!

Remember, these are just one person's opinions and are slightly biased against anything that isn't Duran Duran or Culture Club - [Ian C]

Monday, November 29, 2010

The TSA side of the story

Earlier today the STP 'hot news tipline' received an email from a frontline TSA official who wanted to share his side of the story regarding the pat downs. We have respected Brian's request for anonymity and shall refer to him only as BL.

image courtesy of Brian Lieland

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Top Ten Guitar Solos

The guitar solo is a vital part of the rock band format. It serves a dual purpose, allowing for the lead singer to rest his larynx and most importantly, to restore balance in the battle of the egos within the band.
Designed for 'Fretboard Fornication
The Wangcaster EVH-1

Saturday, November 27, 2010

TSA – Todger Scrotum Ass (in that order)

Recent security measures introduced at our airports have caused widespread controversy and outrage, with some passengers claiming that they have been personally interfered with while undergoing routine pat down searches.

Cleavage Improvement
TSA gives lessons on how to maximise your cleavage

Friday, November 26, 2010

No 'Chili' and no Bowl to put it in.

The powers that be at Vikings HQ finally grew a pair and fired Brad 'Chili' Childress last week after a humiliating defeat to a second string Green Bay Packer team.
A super bowl of chili
A super bowl of chili

I ♥ Bubes

I know what you are thinking... who or what is/are Bubes? And why do you love it/them?
Michael Buble
Michael Steven Bublé - Bubes

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Turkey Day

The staff at Slap the Penguin sincerely wish all of our readers a Happy Turkey Day. Unfortunately we are two weeks late, but if we posted the story back on the 14th of November, the National Day of Turkey, then it wouldn't have been funny.

Turkey - Not Actual Size and certainly not stuffed
Turkey - Not Actual Size and certainly not stuffed.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

New CD releases for November 30th

Another short stack this week. Just as well because time is tight these days, especially on a short week like Thanksgiving week. Do enjoy the following introductions for these new releases, and remember to hover over the album art for purchase options and links to professional reviews.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

New CD releases for November 22nd

It was a real struggle to get to seven worthy releases this week. After all, this is Thanksgiving week and most people are out buying turkeys. Having read through the list of new releases I now understand the true meaning of irony. Enjoy.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Sarah Palin - 2012

The Mayan calendar predicts a world ending disaster will happen in 2012. Sarah Palin was quoted earlier this month saying that she would run for President of the United States of America in 2012 “if nobody else wants to do it”.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

NFL rule on Favre's penis

For those who are not aware that Vikings quarterback Brett Favre is being investigated by the NFL for allegedly sending a picture of his penis via text message to NY Jets employee Jenn Sterger - you are now.
Brett Favre's Penis
Not this kind of rule ! ! - y'all have dirty minds
The NFL have heard all the evidence and have issued the following statement:-

WTF? - Captcha

You have probably seen them and used them but did you know what they are called? Those distorted words that you have to decipher to prove you are a real human and not some computer operated site crawler or 'bot'.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Playboy goes with the Flo

By +Brad Naylor

Progressive spokeswoman Flo will be on the cover of the December edition of Playboy which hits newsstands later this month.

Playboy Cover December 2010
Name your price, Flo

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Visual Warnings on Cigarette Packs

The FDA announced today the requirements for cigarette manufacturers to put color graphic health warnings on every pack of cigarettes and every advertisement from September 12, 2012.
Look for these images on your smokes in 2012

New CD Releases for November 16th

A slightly different and less labor intensive format for this week. More new CDs and no more track listings.
I figured if anyone cares enough about what songs are on the disc they can click the picture and be whisked off to the relevant page. So here we go with this weeks rundown in no particular order.

Monday, November 8, 2010

WTF? - Technology Addiction Extremes

Many of us joke about being addicted to technology. "Oh, I would be so lost without my Blackberry", "It feels like I am married to my iPhone", but technology addiction is much more common and serious than most people realize.
Married to my iPhone
iPhone 4 - great wedding, poor reception

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Movie Review - Sweeney Todd

Image from Netflix
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
2007 R 116 minutes

NETFLIX SAYS - Johnny Depp reteams with director Tim Burton for this big-screen adaptation of the hit Broadway musical, earning an Oscar nod as vengeful Sweeney Todd, who becomes a deranged murderer after being falsely imprisoned by a sinister judge (Alan Rickman). To cover his tracks, Todd enlists the help of Mrs. Lovett (Helena Bonham Carter), who disposes of the victims by baking them into tasty meat pies that become the toast of London.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Improvements to NASCAR for 2011

Everybody knows that NASCAR is about as exciting as watching 43 cars drive round in circles for 6 hours, waiting for some guy on a stepladder to wave a checkered flag to end the misery and declare a winner.
Attractive female wearing checkered lingerie
You try g**gling checkered flag ! !

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

New CD Releases for November 9th

Another week, another pointless list of the new CD releases. I know nobody buys CDs anymore, it's all .mp3 or iTunes where you can download a single song instead of a whole album. Personally, I would rather enjoy the music the way the artist meant it to be enjoyed, and not disjointed in a cut rate, low quality format.

WTF? - Ricky Martin is Gay?

Thanks to Oprah! and The View and some serious investigative journalism, the truth about Ricky Martin and his sexual proclivities is out. And so is he.
Ricky Martin is gay?
Does this Seacrest outfit make me look straight?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dear Tina - Prince Charming

Dear Tina,
I'm chubby, broke and I live with my parents. I'm also stubborn, opinionated and have no brain-to-mouth filter. Where do I go to meet Prince Charming?
Dusty Undies

Sunday, October 31, 2010

How do you like them apples? (Guest Post)

The following is a story from our Washington State correspondant, John F.

A federal judge decided in favor of Apple Computers today against Washington state apple farmers over the use of their corporate name and likenesses of the corporate logo on packaging and advertising.

Suggestion for the new cartoon-like
WA apples logo

Rolling Stone Keith Richards is a zombie

For decades, the music media has been asking how Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones is still alive, considering the innumerable quantities of drugs he has routinely pumped into his system. The short and simple answer is he isn't alive.

"Do I look undead to you?"

Saturday, October 30, 2010

New movie about Brett Favre

Finally someone has made a movie about Brett Favre and his troubles this season. Brett is no stranger to sports headlines but sadly this year he has been highlighted for all the wrong reasons.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

New CD Releases for November 2nd

Since at least one person read last weeks new releases I figured we would try this again before putting it to bed - forever.

This week we will be looking at new CD's from Neil Diamond, Mariah Carey, Brad Paisley, Elvis Costello and Jason Aldean.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Ford accused of stealing names and designs

Ford Motor Company is currently under intense scrutiny after suggestions that they have stolen design concepts and even product names for their vehicles.

fraud badge

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Top Ten Funny Austrian Place Names

The entire population of Austria has a weird sense of humor and who can blame them, having produced a long list of celebrities including Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, a string of famous composers such as Strauss, Strauss, Mozart, Falco and Strauss. And Adolf Hitler.

Austria Map
Austria - not actual size

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

New CD Releases for 25th October

A rundown of next Monday's new releases that caught my eye for whatever reason. This may become a regular weekly feature if it proves to be popular.

The hotlist features Taylor Swift, Buddy Guy, Fourplay, Michael Buble and Alice Cooper.

Hint: Hover over the album image to get an Amazon.com link

Monday, October 18, 2010

Who is the true King? Elvis vs Michael Jackson

For years the argument has raged between generations as to who is the true king, Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson. Slap the Penguin finally closes that discussion like a slamming door.

We will look at each singer's track record, compare and contrast their styles and rate their achievements in their own genre against their peers.

We have taken subjectivity and guesswork out of the equation and put these two legends head to head in a one of it's kind Deadliest Warrior Deathmatch.

WTF? - Brett Favre's Green Bay Pecker

I decided to wait a while before posting my thoughts about the whole Brett Favre situation. By situation I mean his lacklustre performance so far this season for the Vikings, his constant battle with old age injury and the lewd text messages including images of his penis, allegedly sent to Jenn Sterger.
Favre photo montage
A cool photo montage to graphically represent the story highlights.
(note - it's a comedically shaped vegetable, not a real penis)
"Why would you wait, Jack?"

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Shameless Beaver Picture

For our teenage readers, here are the words to
Justin Beaver
You know you love me, eh?
Justin Beaver - Baby

you know you love me,
i know you care,
you shout whenever,
and i'll be there,
you want my love,
you want my heart,
and we will never ever ever be apart,

are we an item?
girl quit playing,
we're just friends,
what are you sayin'
is that there's another,
then look right in my eyes,
my first love, broke my heart for the first time

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hot Christmas Toys 2010

What will be the top selling toy leading up to Christmas this year?

Just like the Backstreet Boys only cuter

There are a couple of items in contention (see below) but top of my list is Sing-A-Ma-Jigs from Fisher Price.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

WTF? - The New Penny

Have you seen the new penny yet? I found one in my change yesterday and had to double check that I had not been given a foreign coin. Well, it had Honest Abe on the front and I know he won't lie to me, but I was quite taken aback by the flip-side/posterior/reverse/tail of said currency unit.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dear Tina - Vajazzling

Dear Tina,
recently I have seen a lot of talk about vajazzling on daytime TV. I understand that Sarah Jessica Parker is a famous vajazzler. Do you have any tips or tricks for vajazzling oneself?
Thanks, Megan.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Cigar Guy has been revealed

The Daily Mail in London announced recently that they had located the infamous Cigar Guy. His name is Rupesh Shingadia and he is a normal 30 year old guy who is a little embarrassed by all the attention. We will say no more and respect Rupesh's privacy.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Cigar Guy is Rob Schneider - Part 2

What more proof does anybody need that Rob Schneider is the Cigar Guy?

Rob Schneider IS The Cigar Guy

Don't believe the hype about Sacha Baron Cohen. Rob is our man.

Leave a comment or Tweet to show support for Team Rob. And a BOOO for Team Sacha.

Dora the Explorer's real father is A-Rod

Almost every parent in the United States knows the diminutive explorer, Dora. The cute little girl who helps our children learn with the assistance of her talking monkey friend, Boots and a magical backpack, imaginatively named Backpack. But within Dora's history is a darker secret that she herself is just coming to terms with. For years, we as innocent voyeurs of Dora's adventures had assumed that the man she calls 'Papi' is her father. In a shocking revelation we have found this to be untrue.

Dora is a natural when it comes to baseball
Dora is a natural when it comes to baseball

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Cigar Guy is the #1 halloween costume this year

Just days after becoming a huge viral hit on the internet, Cigar Guy is looking to be a big hit in the real world. The real world of Halloween costumes that is.

Party City and other large costume retailers are scrambling like crazy to get the Cigar Guy outfits ready and in stores within the week in order to meet the big rush from Halloween revellers.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Ryder Cup 'cigar man' identified

By the time you read this, the image of  Cigar Guy and Tiger Woods' mishit stroke will have circled the interweb a dozen times, but we have the inside information that everyone is searching for.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Peter Falk spotted in Office Depot

Retired actor Peter Falk was spotted in an Office Depot in San Francisco buying a piece of office equipment. The 83 year old Columbo star was asked by the girl at the checkout if he needed anything else, to which he replied, "Just the fax, Ma'am"

"May I be excused? PLEASE"

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Is Time Travel Possible?

Is time travel possible? Slap The Penguin had an exclusive interview with Lithuanian born Laiko Keliautojas, who says "Yes It Is."
Time Travel
Time Travel?
We received an email from Laiko claiming that he travelled back in time using a machine that he had been building and perfecting for the last 9 years. Intrigued, we invited him to visit the Slap The Penguin office to share his story.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

UN appoint alien ambassador

The United Nations will announce Malaysian astrophysicist, Dr Mazlan Othman as head of the UN’s Office for Outer Space Affairs (OOSA). The position is being commonly referred to as Alien Ambassador.

She describes her most important function as  “co-ordinating humanity’s response to any first contact”. A dangerous role based on Hollywood's viewpoint (Independence Day, War of the Worlds, Mars Attacks).
Dr Othman - Take me to your leader

Sunday, September 26, 2010

New entries in the OED

The Oxford English Dictionary is the foremost reference for lexicographers worldwide and is regarded as the ultimate reference for anything pertaining to the English language.

Try fitting all this on your Kindle
For the past 21 years a large group of language experts have been reviewing and compiling the 3rd edition of the great book, known as OED3. However, it appears that this great venture may not actually materialise in the traditional book format. OED3 will most likely be an e-book.

WTF? - Lindsay Lohan is out again

A Los Angeles judge has ordered a revolving door be added to the county penitentiary where Lindsay Lohan spends a portion of her not so free time. Her in again, out again affair with prison has taken another twist this last Friday when the 'Parent Trap' star was sentenced to 1 month behind bars without bail after failing a drug test.

LiLo in 15 years time? (www.peopleofwalmart.com)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Free Beer on Wednesday

Anheuser Busch's ailing Budweiser brand is giving away free beer on Wednesday 29th under the guise of National Happy Hour. Half a million lucky(?) drinkers will receive a free can if they are fortunate enough to be at one of the participating bars and restaurants.

BUDS = Budweiser beers

Thursday, September 23, 2010

WTF? - Zuckerberg, you can't buy friends

So, Mark Zuckerberg, creator of the social media leviathan, Facebook, is donating $100 million to schools in Newark, NJ. He will be joining the goddess of tax break giveaways, Oprah Winfrey on her show this Friday.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Idol confirms judge lineup for new season

The waiting is over for American Idol fans, as the celebrity judges have finally been announced. Almost everyone knew that Simon Cowell was not coming back, and rumors of Ellen's departure were confirmed a while ago. BUT, who knew that the argumentative strumpet, Karen Digiorno, would be kicked off the show?

The replacements who will be joining Randy have been confirmed as Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler.
Jennifer 'Jello' Lopez, Joan Rivers and the new, slimmer Drew Carey

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Cubs Rookie is not a vampire

Tyler Colvin, the Cubs rookie outfielder was subjected to one of the most extreme vampire killing methods and survived.
The Cubbies new 3rd base coach waving home a runner

Monday, September 20, 2010

Top 10 things NOT to say when you get pulled over by the police

There are not many feelings worse than checking your rear view mirror and seeing the word ECILOP accompanied by flashing lights, and should the police have reason to pull you over, be sure you don't escalate the situation by using any of the following phrases.

Is something wrong, officer?

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