Friday, December 19, 2014

Do you remember Douglas Barr?

By +Ian C

Here is a yesteryear trivia test for you all. Who is Douglas Barr? No cheating, no reading ahead, because obviously I am going to reveal the answer further into the post. He was in a popular TV show from 1981-1986, so those of you who are younger than 35, you are excused for not knowing this famous actor.

Who is Douglas Barr?
Douglas Barr does not usually look like this

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Merry Christmas 2014

By +Brad Naylor

I got the short straw for doing the official Slap the Penguin Christmas post this year so here goes. You may notice that I took a more mainstream, some may even say commercial route than in previous years.

Slap the Penguin 2014 Christmas Card
Feel free to print this out and hang it with your other cards

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

800 posts

By +Ian C

It's time for us to blow our own trumpet once again, since nobody is going to blow it for us. We have managed to string together 800 posts in the 4 or so years since we started redefining satirical news. For those who are new to STP, our new definition of satirical news is:- a bunch of people with nothing better to do than turning crappy puns into so called news stories, and also making fun of celebrities along the way.

STP reached 800 posts
Phone us and leave a congratulatory message - It's free

Monday, December 15, 2014

The hot new craze of Swifting

By +Sue Casa

I am sure you all remember 'planking', when people would post pictures on their facebook page of them lying flat, face down and rigid in the most awkward and silly place possible. And then of course there was 'owling' which didn't quite get the same recognition, but involved people perching in an owl pose and again posting the evidence to facebook. Our American readers may also be familiar with 'Tebowing' which, I am told, lasted almost as long as his career. It seems that all of those ridiculous trends have been firmly placed in the archives, but a new trend is sweeping the nation. That trend is known as...

Taylor Swift - Swifting
No caption needed. It's Taylor Swift doing what she does best

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Copnosuphocate M.E. porcine repellent

By +Ian C

There now follows a public service infomercial for Copnosuphocate M.E. porcine repellent ointment.

Friday, December 12, 2014

Typo causes surge in Susan G Komen registrations

By +Alexa Rankin

The Susan G Komen® charity has been raising money for breast cancer research sine 1982 and has since invested over $2.5 billion into helping those affected by breast cancer, in the form of research, support and education. A recent ad published in a popular magazine sparked a surge in registrations for the Atlanta Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the cure® thanks to a typo that slipped past everyone.

Susan G Komen 3 Way typo

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Today is Sunday 7th

By +Tina Cruris

I know it's a pretty obvious post title, but it really is Sunday 7th. For those of you who don't know the relevance of this fact then first click here, then come back and read on.

Sunday 7th - natures balance for Friday 13th
New Shooter!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Man finds second piece of meat in frozen pot pie

By +Brad Naylor

Rich Goodman is a normal, everyday bachelor who enjoys the single life of collecting beer bottle caps, watching internet porn, and enjoying frozen meals for one. Last week while enjoying a banquet chicken pot pie, Rich discovered something in his pie that he never expected to see.

Banquet Chicken Pot Pie
The package shows a second piece of chicken, for marketing purposes only

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

DNA evidence suggests a hiccup for the royals

By +Sue Casa

The bones found beneath a parking lot in Leicester, UK have been confirmed by Britain's top DNA boffins to be those of Richard III, King of England, who died in 1485 fighting the Tudors during the War of the Roses; thus leaving the throne open to Henry VII who succeeded by right of conquest. The lack of horse skeletons in the burial area suggest that Shakespeare's version of Richard III's demise was accurate at least from an equine angle.

Now is the Winter of our discontent
Sean Bean, insert meme or movie death joke here

Monday, December 1, 2014

What do we want for Christmas?

By +Ian C

Now that Thanksgiving is done, and the Black Friday battles have abated it's time for Cyber Monday. Cyber Monday is when all of the 'best' online deals come around. It's all a big con as online retailers pump out their loss leaders and try to make you drop a bunch of other full margin items in your cart while you think you are getting the best deal.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Sacha Baron Cohen in Mork and Mindy movie

By +Tina Cruris

After dropping out of the Freddie Mercury biopic due to disagreements with the remaining Queen band members (who believed he was too funny), Sacha Baron Cohen went on the hunt for a new role to inject his comedy gene into. The idea to play Ali G playing Mork suddenly jumped into his head and who better to play Mindy than his wife, Isla Fisher.

Ali G and Isla F in Mork & Mindy
Iz it coz I'z Orkan?

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving 2014

By +Brad Naylor

Finally after 4 previous Thanksgiving posts it's my turn. I am thankful that they didn't give this post to the new girl , and I don't mean Zooey Douchecanal. In other parts of the world, Thanksgiving (and it's variants) is about celebrating the harvest and giving thanks for the blessings of the year, yet in America the focus is on food (including beer), football and family in that order.

It's going to be a wild Thanksgiving
I'm spending Thanksgiving with a wild turkey

Monday, November 24, 2014

The Evolution of Absolution

By +Alexa Rankin

Since his papacy began in 2013, Pope Francis has been shaking up the Catholic Church by reviving old values, and accepting ideas traditionally ignored by previous pontiffs. Frankie the First has accepted (but does not condone) homosexuality, and has even given the idea of evolution the thumbs up since it can be integrated into the biblical version of creation, Now His Holiness is embracing technology by launching a new iPhone app for Catholics worldwide.

iConfess - no need to go to church
Now you can confess your mortal sins anytime, anywhere

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The New Scottish Cabinet

By +Sue Casa

Here it is, my first official post for Slap the Penguin. My name is Sue Casa and I will be leading the charge on the British side of the Atlantic. Most of the posts found on STP are geared to an American audience so my job is to bring more international balance to the team.

US UK Handshake
People with no fashion sense making friends

Friday, November 21, 2014

Slap the Penguin goes bilingual

By +Ian C

I am very pleased to announce that the popular satirical news blog, Slap the Penguin (STP) is going bilingual. Our new writer, +Sue Casa, lives in the UK and will be contributing satirical news from her part of the world, in her own language.

Probability map of where Sue lives
Probability map of where Sue Casa lives

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Minecraft Nazi strategy guide discovered

By +Brad Naylor

The game of Minecraft continues to take the world by storm with an estimated 20,000 new players every day, pushing the total number of registered users beyond 50 million. This makes the world of Minecraft a lucrative business indeed, but not without potential pitfalls. In recent months there have been an increasing number of complaints that hate groups are attempting to use Minecraft as a recruiting tool.

A Neo-Nazi attempt to recruit through Minecraft
Neo-Nazi attempt to recruit through Minecraft

Monday, November 17, 2014

Woman electrocuted by yoga pants

By +Tina Cruris

We all know that exercise is good for you, but this was not the case for 28 year old Maria Schenken who was almost killed last weekend by her workout buddy, Annalise Christenson (36), at their local gym.

Maria and Annalise working out while remaining grounded
Maria and Annalise are still best friends

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Taco Bell unleash new chihuahua mascot

By +Brad Naylor

Do you remember Gidget the Taco Bell dog who became famous across America for the catchphrase "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" which means "I want Taco Bell". Gidget was retired from Taco Bell duty in 2003 amidst claims of animal cruelty and forced cannibalism from people who believed that the dog actually ate Taco Bell food. Taco Bell say he was retired because sales were falling.

Gidget the Taco Bell Dog
Gidget retired in 2003

Friday, November 14, 2014

Escaped tiger spotted near Disneyland Paris

By +Ian C

French police have been on the lookout for an escaped tiger which has been spotted in and around the area of Disneyland Paris. The animal was first spotted 3 days ago, and so far nobody has reported that they are missing any wild cats.

Disneyland Paris and the escaped tiger
Disneyland Paris is quiet while the tiger is at large

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Minecrafted News - Kim KardASShian

By +Alexa Rankin

Minecrafted news is the new version of the old 8-bit news that we used to publish. We want people to focus on the story instead of the glossy images of the mass market mass media so we modify them so that they offer little distraction from the all important content.

Our first minecrafted news post is somewhat delayed due to a temporarily broken internet, but it looks like it's been fixed now so sit back, relax and enjoy.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Taylor Swift and Spotify part ways

By +Brad Naylor

Ex-country music performer Taylor Swift has pulled her entire back catalog and her current new release, 1989, from all pay as you go music sources including streaming giant Spotify over a disagreement which basically boils down to royalties, even though she made it sound like it was a lack of respect for her 'art'.

Taylor Swift splits from Spotify
Why would I give my music away for free?

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Ebola threat closes Mississippi libraries

By +Alexa Rankin

Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant has decreed that all libraries in the Magnolia state be closed and the books inside be burned in order to halt the spread of the deadly Ebola virus.

Mississippi to close all libraries
Phil Bryant issues the order to close all Mississippi libraries

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Guest Post Contest Winner

By +Tina Cruris

Many months ago, we held a guest post contest to try to find a new writer to join our team and now, finally, we have selected the winner. Actually we selected the winner a while ago, but we forgot all about it until we received an email from one of the entrants asking us if they had won. If you are reading this, S. Meyer, your writing sucks and you didn't win. The Winner is...

The Winner is...
The Winner is...

Monday, November 3, 2014

Guest Post - Comparing Pinots

By +Ian C

Once again, here is self proclaimed wine expert, Morgan David with more top wine tips.

Morgan David - Wine Expert
Morgan David - Self Proclaimed Wine Expert

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Movie Review - Noah

By +Brad Naylor

Any time a movie is adapted from a popular book, people are going to draw comparisons and highlight inconsistencies. Considering which book this story came from, Darren Aronofsky  made many bold moves when writing this biblical conversion. Keep reading to find out what he changed in this non-arketypal version of Noah.

Movie Review - Noah
Noah - May make or break the new era of biblical retellings

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Kenny Chesney launches his own theme park

By +Alexa Rankin

Country music star Kenny Chesney has been fairly quiet for the past few years, only raising his head briefly to promote his 'by the numbers' albums, and with good reason as it turns out. Kenny has been working on a country themed destination in Nashville called ChesneyLand.

ChesneyLand set to open in 2015
ChesneyLand is set to open in mid 2015

Sunday, October 26, 2014

The 10 Commandments have been broken

By +Ian C

Last December we posted a story about the 10 Commandments monument at the Oklahoma Capitol. The controversial structure stood proud for 10 whole months before an unfortunate collision with the car of a satanist.
The 10 Commandments have been broken
Take 1 tablet after meals

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Granny's muffin brings all the boys to the yard

By Sue Casa via +Tina Cruris

This is a guest post by Sue Casa.

Ask anybody in the town of Witney in Oxford, UK about muffins and they will all say that Betsy Stoker's muffin is the best. Even Prime Minister David Cameron has gone on record praising Betsy's muffin saying, "Her muffin is moist and tasty and if you get the chance to eat it warm....Mmm-mmm-mmmm."

Betsy Stoker cleaning her muffin tray
Betsy like to keep her muffin tray nice and clean

Friday, October 17, 2014

Man finds surprise in stomach after trip to Ireland

By +Alexa Rankin

Bernoux LaVelle returned home from a trip to Ireland with more than he bargained for. Just 1 hour after his plane landed in Brussels, Bernoux complained of a "weird wriggling feeling" in his stomach. He went to the local hospital where an x-ray and gastrocam exam revealed something lodged in his digestive system, and hopefully you have a strong digestive system when you read his story.

An x-ray image of Bernoux LaVelle's stomach (enhanced)
An x-ray image of Bernoux LaVelle's stomach (enhanced)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The spell that was NOT in the Potter movies

By +Tina Cruris

The Harry Potter saga covers seven books and eight movies, and not once was this spell ever known to be used. It's existence was as mythical as the Deathly Hallows until a young wizard happened across it in a book from the restricted section of the library at Hogwarts.

The spell which was NOT in the Harry Potter movies
Would you care to venture a guess before the big reveal?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 and go straight to 10?

By +Brad Naylor

The entire computer literate universe has no doubt heard by now that the most popular operating system on the planet, Windows, will be skipping version 9 and going straight to Windows 10. STP is first with the facts about why there will be no Windows 9.

Windows 10 startup logo
Note the subtle use of the Roman Numeral X (which means 10)

Friday, October 10, 2014

Don't pick and drive

By +Alexa Rankin

A 40 year old father of three was seriously injured in a car crash yesterday, by his own finger. Dennis Murray was stopped at a stoplight on Ashford Road in Detroit, Mi., when his car was hit from behind by another motorist. The 5 mile per hour impact did not at first seem to be a life threatening one, even though Murray's car was hit hard enough for the airbag to deploy.

Traffic cam image of Murray moments before the impact
Murray picking his nose moments before the crash

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Decathlete awaiting Jenner reassignment operation

By +Ian C

Olympic decathlete and Kardashian Step-dad, Bruce Jenner, is on a waiting list for a gender reassignment operation. He will take the final step next summer and will be known as Bridgette.

Bruce Jenner to become Bridgette Jenner
Bruce will become Bridgette after his Jenner reassignment

Monday, October 6, 2014

George Clooney not gay, but does love Amal

By +Brad Naylor

Contrary to a previous post, George Clooney may not be as gay as we all thought he was, since he recently got married to Anne Hathaway lookalike lawyer Amal Alamuddin.

George Clooney and Amal Hathaway Alamuddin
Clooney and Anne Hathaway lookalike, Amal Alamuddin

Sunday, October 5, 2014

US Weekly to publish magazine in reverse

By +Alexa Rankin

US Weekly is probably the most read magazine in the United States, but studies indicate that the majority of its readers do so backwards, while waiting in line at the supermarket checkout.

US Weekly backwards edition
The spine is on the right and the pages open on the left

Friday, October 3, 2014

Amazon to open physical store in Minnesota

By +Tina Cruris

Mail order megalith is opening it's first US bricks and mortar outlet here in Minnesota. The giant store which will occupy the entire 3rd floor of the Mall of America in Bloomington is slated for opening in October 2015 just in time to generate mammoth sales in time for the Holidays.

amazon is coming to the MOA
amazon is coming to the MOA

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Back in black (and white)

By +Ian C

It's October 1st and Slap the Penguin makes a triumphant return after a 2 month layoff. During our time away we had a chance to re-examine our mission statement and rediscover our original direction.

We are so fucking sorry
We are truly sorry

Monday, August 4, 2014

Friday, August 1, 2014

Slap the Penguin Nipple Slip

Many people searching the internet find what they are looking for thanks to the computer algorithms developed by Google, the world's most popular search engine. These algorithms analyze billions of web pages and rank them according to individual search terms. For example, people who type "Slap The Penguin" into the search bar are likely to be shown results which include our website towards the top of the listings.

Slap the Penguin Google Search
What do you find when you 'Google' slap the penguin' ?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Happy fourth anniversary, STP

Today marks the 4th anniversary of Slap The Penguin. Actually, it is 4 years since My Twist News began, which then evolved into Slap The Penguin after about a year, and we have been evolving ever since. New writers, old material, product reviews and bad puns. Honestly, I don't know why we keep going, but we do.

Slap The Penguin - Fourth Anniversary
Here's to many more...

Monday, July 21, 2014

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Summer Break

For those of you who follow us daily, we thought it only fair to warn you that the STP summer break began officially at midnight (stp time) on July 20th. With the exception of pre-scheduled posts you wont see, hear or feel anything from us until August (hopefully).

STP on Vacation
Wish you were here

Friday, July 18, 2014

Hoda Kotb changed her name to hide a big secret

Most American housewives who watch the fourth hour of the Today show are familiar with Kathy Lee Gifford's partner in wine, Hoda Kotb. While KLG's path to the Today show is well known, how many of you know Hoda Kotb's sordid past? Many of those 40 something housewives may be a little jealous.

Kathy Lee and Hoda and wine
Hoda, Kathy and wine on the fourth hour of Today

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Bomb disposal with Xfinity (Comcast)

Comcast are getting some bad press right now with the very public release of a phone call with a customer service representative. The Comcast representative was obnoxious and rude and did very little to offer satisfaction to the now ex-customer. By a twist of fate yesterday, I was stuck in an online chat box with Comcast over a billing issue, which took almost 2 hours to resolve; that's about 105 minutes longer than it should have taken in reality.

Xfinity Chat to resolve a billing issue
Personal details obscured to protect the innocent

Monday, July 14, 2014

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Marijuana Tequila legalized

By +Alexa Rankin

Just days after Washington State stores were legally permitted to sell cannabis, approval was given for the sale of the new 1800 tequila infused with marijuana, called 'Weedquila'; but only if you live in one of the 23 states where marijuana use is legal either medicinally or outright.

1800 Weedquila Availability Map
Where can you get this 'herbal' tequila?

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Pelé quits over Brazilian defeat

By +Ian C

Edson Arantes do Nascimento, better known as Brazilian soccer legend Pelé has announced that he will quit as Brazil's official 'Ambassador de Futbol' at the end of the current World Cup, citing his country's humiliating performance against Germany as the primary reason.

Pelé walks the pitch in disbelief after the game
Pelé asking the crowd a question

Monday, July 7, 2014

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