Saturday, June 29, 2013

Yoga Pants - Man's Greatest Invention

by +Brad Naylor

If you are like me, you can't have failed to notice the new female fashion trend flowing onto the streets. The phenomenon known as Yoga Pants has exploded out of the gyms and yoga studios and into the supermarkets, coffee shops and basically everywhere.

Wearing yoga pants to do yoga
This is what yoga pants were designed for

Friday, June 28, 2013

Wikipedia plot to take over the world discovered

by +Alexa Rankin

Everyone's favorite online reference, Wikipedia, has been caught red-handed in a plot to take over the world, not with guns or bombs, but with information. The person that controls the information holds the power. Why else would governments around the world tap into it's people's phones?

Wikipedia, taking over the world

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Bubes Says - What kind of name is North?

Hi everyone, and congratulations to Kim and Kanye on the birth of your baby daughter. As a special tribute I posed as a baby and jumped into Kim's arms for an afternoon to give the new baby a break from the relentless paparazzi craning for some mother and baby pictures.

Bubes Says - What kind of name is North?
"I can't wait for lunch time..."

500 Posts

by +Ian C

Today, Slap the Penguin celebrates reaching 500 posts. As editor, I have to admit that there is an awful lot of filler that helped us get to 500, but it is still an astounding achievement for us. We also got there before the 3rd anniversary celebrations coming up in just a few weeks.

Slap the Penguin 500th post
Can you believe that we have lasted this long?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Man 'Bobbitts' himself while high on 'magic' mushrooms

by +Ian C

A 41 year old man was found bleeding from the groinal region outside a school in Columbus, Ohio. Initial reports say that he had ripped off parts of his penis with his bare hands after eating 'Magic' mushrooms. He was taken to a local hospital along with the portions of penis that the police could find.

A penis mushroom
A fun guy for the ladies

Dear Tina - Addicted to Candy Crush

by +Tina Cruris

Dear Tina, there is no other way to say it. I think I am addicted to Candy Crush. I hear the words 'Sweet', 'Divine' and 'Sugar Crush' in my sleep, and when I am not playing it, I am thinking about playing it. I always have to get one last game in before I leave for work, and because of it I am arriving late. 

I find myself unable to concentrate until lunch when I skip eating to play Candy Crush on my phone. Then, when I get home, the first thing I do before taking my shoes off is switch on my laptop to play.

I have been blowing off my friends and family to play Candy Crush and I am starting to hate the person I have become. I have gone as far as creating a second facebook account so I can play while my lives are regenerating on the first account.

My credit card bill arrived 3 days ago and I am scared to open it because I have been buying lives and boosters. I am worried that I have spent way to much money on this game.

Please, please help me,
Candy Crusher

Monday, June 24, 2013

Sunday, June 23, 2013

John Wayne Bobbitt Re-Membered

by +Ian C

It was 20 years ago today in Manassas, Virginia, that Lorena Bobbitt got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. She returned to the bedroom refreshed and with a sharp knife in her hand. She then proceeded to sever her husbands entire penis.

John Wayne Bobbitt crime scene reconstruction
John Wayne Bobbitt crime scene reconstruction

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Clamp down on seat belt use for July 4th

by +Brad Naylor

With one of America's biggest holidays less than 2 weeks away, law enforcement officers are clamping down on drivers and passengers not wearing seat belts. With catchy slogans like "Click it, or Ticket!" they have been brainwashing us to buckle up.

Click it or ticket
I hope they didn't pay the slogan writer for this one

Friday, June 21, 2013

Facebook enabled rifle never misses

by +Alexa Rankin

A company based in Austin, Texas has developed a high-tech rifle which is accurate to over 1000 yds (0.56 miles) and not just in the hands of an expert sniper. We all know that the world's best snipers make those kind of hits all day every day, but the range of Precision Guided Firearms (PGF) from Tracking Point means that almost anyone can make those shots.

Tracking Point Rifle
Tracking Point Rifle makes it hard to miss

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Bubes Says - Who Needs Johnny Depp?

Hello, my name Michael Bublé. Me make heap big pile of cash from me singing. Me like play dress up with friend Clayton Moore and catch bad guys. Me Lone Ranger sidekick long before Johnny Depp.

Bubes Says - Who needs Johnny Depp?
Me no want offend Native American, me just have fun

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Who you gonna call...? A divorce attorney

An unnamed man (who we will call Bruce) from Tasmania got the surprise of his life after setting up a series of 'Ghost Cams' around his house to catch the spooks that had been moaning, creaking and banging in the upstairs rooms.
Ghost Hunters of Australia
Do we really need a caption?

Monday, June 17, 2013

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Kim gives Kanye best father's day gift ever

by +Ian C

Just 1 day after Kanye and Kim sold out Stephen Hawking to a race of alien penguins in exchange for amnesty from destruction, and 1 day before father's day, Kim gives birth to a baby girl. So far the baby remains nameless and the media mass speculatrometer has kicked into overdrive about what baby K will be called.
Kim and Kanye's baby?

Texas bans crude license plate

by +Brad Naylor

A doctor from Texas has had his personalized license plate revoked after numerous complaints that it is offensive and crude. Seymour Kuntz M.D., a 37 year old gynecologist at Dallas Medical Center, registered the plate in 2008 with the Texas Department of Motor Vehicles (TxDMV), who processed the application without question or hesitation regarding possible offensive messages.

Banned license plate
Offensive or Descriptive?

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Bubes Says - Stay away from him, YOU BITCH

Hi people of Earth, for those of you who don't know who I am, my name is Michael Bublé and I am a recording artist and an international superstar. However when I am not busy in the studio or being rich and famous around the globe, I like to get into some kind of adventure. This week, believe it or not, I recreated those happy times I spent as Sigourney Weaver's stand-in and stunt double when she played Ellen Ripley.

Bubes Says - Stay away from him, YOU BITCH
That's right Alien Penguins. Leave Stephen Hawking alone

Friday, June 14, 2013

Hawking in custody: Execution scheduled

Attention people of Earth. We now have the rebel leader Professor Stephen Hawking in custody. He was delivered to us overnight by failed musician and father to be Kanye West, in exchange for amnesty from stasis for himself, Kim and their unborn child.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian +1
Kanye West looking guilty after selling out the human race

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Alien Penguins: The Real Story

People of Earth. While it is true that we have crossed galaxies to visit your planet to reverse global warming, the rest of our story was not entirely accurate. We were not planning on waking your race up after 1000 years of hibernation. The real reason for keeping you alive in stasis is to provide fresh food for those of us who volunteered to colonize your planet.
Alien Penguin Soldier
Alien Penguin with a death ray

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

US Gov issue 200,000 green cards to aliens

In an announcement earlier today, Ross Well, a spokesman for the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service) announced that they will be issuing almost 200,000 green cards to aliens wishing to become United States residents.
A sample 'green card' for an alien penguin
This is just a sample, do not print it out and try to use it...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Stephen Hawking: Intergalactic Terrorist

Greetings 3rd planet dwellers, my name is ελκυστική κυρία πιγκουίνος which translates to Elkystikí̱ Kyría Pinkouínos in Earth speak. First I would like to correct your greatest astronomical thinkers and confirm that Pluto is in fact a planet.
Female Alien Penguin
It's easy to differentiate between our sexes

Monday, June 10, 2013

Sunday, June 9, 2013

A message from an Alien Penguin race

Greetings residents of Earth, my name is το-κακό αλλοδαπός πιγκουίνος or in your language, To-Kakó Allodapós Pinkouínos.

I represent a species from the planet Aptenodytes, in the galaxy of Forsteri and we come in peace. We have monitored your Earth communications for some time waiting for the time when you are ready to comprehend our existence. 
Alien Penguin
Alien Penguin - "We come in peace"

Friday, June 7, 2013

Father's Day 2013

by +Alexa Rankin

This year it's my turn to tell y'all what to get your daddy for Father's Day. Please feel free to check out our previous posts for inspiration. Last year Brad gave us a great list of suggestions, and in 2011, Tina touched on various multitools at the request of some of her advice seekers.
Penguin's love their daddies

Thursday, June 6, 2013

JC Penney and their Hitler Kettle

by +Alexa Rankin

Wait, don't get all upset. Don't start writing an angry letter to JCP. This whole story revolves around the perception of empty space and if you look at the image you may not even see the resemblance.

The Hitler Kettle, no longer available at JC Penney
A simple, stylish black and chrome kettle with comfort grip handle

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Interview with the boss

by +Tina Cruris

After almost 3 years and over 400 posts, we figured it was time to really get to know the crew which keeps Slap the Penguin running. We thought it only fair to start at the top, especially considering that our esteemed leader is celebrating a milestone birthday today.

Happy 40th Birthday
Slappy Birthday, Ian C.
We have been surreptitiously asking Ian C. a whole bunch of stuff over the last few weeks, trying to find out what really makes him tick. These are the results...

Bubes Says - Queen for 60 years, beat that Oprah

Hey ladies, it's time for your weekly fix of me, Michael Bublé. I know you guys think I am the King of Swing, but this week I am shaking it up a bit in honor of Queen Elizabeth II, who yesterday celebrated the 60th anniversary of her coronation as Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of this Realm and of Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. Which means that she has been the most powerful woman in the world since before Oprah was even born.

Bubes Says... Queen for 60 years, beat that Oprah
"I don't need my own TV Network, I have my own country"

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Dewar's Highlander Honey - New Ad Campaign

by +Ian C

Dewar's has been a popular scotch whisky brand for generations and in order to stay current, they have recently launched a new variant on a traditional favorite. Dewar's Highlander Honey is Dewar's blended scotch whisky infused with natural flavors.

Dewar's Highlander Honey
Dewar's Highlander Honey

Monday, June 3, 2013

Sunday, June 2, 2013

What got slapped 12 months ago - June 2012

It is time once again for our monthly RESLAP of what happened this time last year. We used to do this weekly, but some of us have lives outside of the internet so now it is a monthly occurrence. The concept is simple, it encourages newer readers to delve into the archives and see what we were doing 12 months ago when we were no doubt funnier and more enthusiastic. It also allows us to cross link the archives for better search engine presence. So sit back, relax and enjoy the highlights from June 2012. (HINT: click the titles to read the full story).

Saturday, June 1, 2013

June Caption Contest

It now says June on my calendar and so it must me time to launch the next caption contest. Thanks to everybody who entered the May contest, the winning caption is announced further down the page, but first we have to show you this month's image which needs an amusing caption.

Look at the picture, analyze all the details and generate a creative and amusing phrase which when combined with the picture causes a spontaneous humorous reaction, like LOLing or even LSHIPMP (laughing so hard I pissed my pants).

Got it? Good. Click HERE to enter your awesome caption or scroll down and visit the comments section. The contest closes on June 30th at Midnight STP time. Good luck.

Most viewed pages (last 30 days)

Slap the Penguin, more than just a satirical news blog