Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dear Tina - Manscaping

Dear Tina,
I have been with my girlfriend for 18 months and we have been sleeping together for 6 months. Last week she told me that it would be great if I we both went to the spa for some beauty treatment and while I am there I can get a manscape.
I am not a gorilla, but I do have dark body hair and some areas are kind of dense. What exactly is involved with a manscape? Does it hurt? Do many guys do it?

Sincerely, Hairy Chested Real Man

Monday, August 30, 2010

WTF? Everyone is going Gaga

Being only 50,000 “Little Monsters” short of 6 million followers, Lady Gaga is the queen of Twitter. She has more fans than Britney Spears, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama and Twitter itself.

So who or what is the phenomenon known as Lady Gaga?

WTF? Inaugural

Attention Twisters, Jack's back with a new feature. As an official 'Bureau of WTF?' agent, it is my duty to inform you of serious transgressions of normality.

My WTF badge
In my WTF? posts, I plan to bring crazy things to the attention of the general public. Wacky things that are beyond belief and comprehension. Things that make you go WTF?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dear Tina wants to hear your issues

Tina Cruris
Hi MTN readers, my name is Tina and through my 'Dear Tina' posts I want to offer advice on any issues you may be having.

Unlike most advice columns I want to tackle any and all problems and not just relationship stuff. You can email me at tina.cruris(at)slapthepenguin.com with your questions.

So hurry up, I can't wait to post some advice for you.

MADD outraged by Harry Potter beers

Mothers Against Drunk Driving are the self appointed guardians who protect us all from the dangers of driving drunk. They are also sworn to keep alcohol away from minors, which is what their latest crusade is all about.

Limpecker Brewery in Boston, MA has announced plans for a line of Harry Potter beers which has the MADD ladies chomping at the bit for a fight. They claim that with names like Harry Potter Porter,  Hermione Granger Ale, and Hagrid Imperial Stout the brewery are marketing their products to minors.
This ain't no butter-beer from Hogsmeade?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Toyota chasing egg recall record

Toyota have announced that they will now be recalling an estimated 1.1 million cars because of stalling issues. This is in addition to the 11 million cars already recalled since November.

Toyota were on top of the recall leaderboard until the chickens got in on the game. The salmonella infected egg recall is estimated to involve 228 million eggs. By sheer volume they heavily outweigh Toyota's numbers, but the Japanese motor giant is insisting on counting dollar value instead of units.

Who came first?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Miss Universe Blunder - The Truth

Yesterday was a big day for Jimena Navarrete as she was crowned Miss Universe 2010 in Las Vegas. Personally I hate pageants, whether they are a bunch of 3 year old Miss Lil' Texas's wearing (too much) makeup being paraded up and down by over zealous mothers or the 'intergalactic' Miss Universe, and everything in between.

Ladybug can sound like ladyboy if you are not paying attention
Did she just say Asian Ladybug!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Getting to 3rd Base with Eva Longoria

A fantasy baseball manager has blown his chances of post season super-stardom with a simple (and possibly Freudian) error on his team roster.

Eva/Evan Longoria
What a difference an 'N' makes

Thursday, August 19, 2010

New Nintendo Game - The Mushroom Shore

Those crazy people at Nintendo are cashing in again with a new Mario Bros. Game. The Mushroom Shore is set in the Mushroom Kingdom which, with the help of video game magic, looks suspiciously like Jersey.

Luigi - The Location

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Twist News has 2 new writers

My Twist News would like to welcome two new writers into (above) the fold.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Avatargate - Day 3

Go to Day 2

After a quiet day yesterday a surprise twist reawakened people's interest in this story. The movie director, James Cameron entered into the fray claiming that Avatar was his creation and everyone who even has an avatar is infringing copyright. Then after realising the scale of opposition, he adjusted his lawsuit to prosecute only people using images of the alien smurfs from the movie Avatar as their avatar.
A Smurfatar
An Avatar Smurf avatar

In another huge twist in this snowballing story, the Hindu god Vishnu is counter suing Cameron for the use of the word Avatar, claiming that he was the original Avatar as defined by Hinduism and that Cameron used it without permission. Since Hinduism is thousands of years old and has 1 billion followers, we believe that Cameron is going to drop the lawsuit entirely.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Avatargate - Day 2

Go to Day 1

Nothing happened. It was a Sunday and everyone was too busy in church to worry about piddling little avatar issues.
Shameless use of an old joke (Sunday???)

Apostrophe's go on punctuation rampage's

The apostrophe is seeking its revenge for being dropped from streetsign's in selected UK city's. Wakefield in West Yorkshire is the second city to drop the pesky little punctuation mark from street sign's. They follow in the footstep's of Birmingham city councils decision to remove the insignificant little squiggle.
A rampaging apostrophe

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Australians boycott popular news blog

This news blog has been running for just about 3 weeks and has already received visits from every continent...
Australia, a simplified version

NC man jailed after laughing

Freedom of speech (and laughing) is not valid in some areas of North Carolina. Paricularly in Judge Toni King's Cumberland County courtroom.

Fair Warning
Welcome to North Carolina

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Avatargate - Day 1

An innocent mistake created an online meltdown today on a popular Blog Cataloging website when a new member to the site, with a desire to drive traffic to his blog, used a fake avatar to spice up his profile causing a backlash from literally hundreds of outraged bloggers.

"We work hard on our blogs and use genuine images as our avatars," one blogger commented. "it is unfair that male readers are being dragged away from my crochet blog by a picture of some chick in a pink bra."

A random pink bra
Pink bra...better than a crochet blog?

Friday, August 13, 2010

Rubik's secret revealed

Ever since the 1980's people have been driven insane by the rainbow colored cube. But now science is taking its revenge on Ernő Rubik, the cube's Hungarian inventor.

Rubik's Cube - no fun for the color blind
No wonder the 80's sucked

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Zac Efron to play Tommy in new musical movie

Zac Efron is no stranger to combining acting and singing in movies, but this is bigger than any high school production he may have been involved in previously. He will play the title character in The Who's legendary rock opera, Tommy.

The Jonas Brothers and Zac Efron
Entwistle, Townshend, Moon and Daltrey....NOT

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The internet turns 50 this month

There is not a single gray hair to be found on the world's most popular pentagenarian, the internet which turns 50 this month.

The first example of downloading porn
The first internet enabled home computer

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Target in trouble over toy ad

Minnesota based megastore brand Target, have removed an advertisement from their current toy catalog which small minded people have deemed to be offensive.
An 11 inch Woody
Do I look offensive to you?

Steven Slater - Smug Little Shit

Steven Slater on a good day
Steven Slater on a good day
You may have heard about the Jet Blue flight attendant who grabbed a beer, pulled the emergency handle and slid down the slide because he couldn't handle his job.

Well I know that you trolley dollys have to deal with annoying and pompous customers on a daily basis, but that is part of your job description. I really don't care if your gay lover broke up with you to be with a Columbian cartel leader, or if your mother's ingrowing toenail is turning septic. Your job is to smile and walk the length of the plane offering 'tea or coffee?'.

I am sorry you were having a bad day, but to inconvenience the entire airport and put paying passenger's lives in danger to pull a half-witted stunt like that then you deserve to be arrested and charged.

Why the popular media is canonizing you and turning you into a modern day folk hero, I don't know. What would have happened if you did this at 20,000 ft?

Steven Slater, enjoy your 15 minutes of fame. When it is over, you will be relegated to obscurity until the next time Jet Blue is in the news.
A new career for Steven Slater
I found this 'Steven Slater' with a google image search

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Kama Sutra released as an audio book

The two thousand year old book describing how to liven up your sex life through performing in different positions has been converted to audio book format.

Kama Sutra Audio Book
None of these pictures in the audio version?

Monday, August 2, 2010

Wailing banshees object to 'Canadian Singers' comparison

A small group of wailing banshees have objected to being used as a comparison for female Canadian singers. Often included in this sub-genre are Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Avril Lavigne, Sarah McLachlan, Justin Bieber, Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morisette and Bryan Adams.
Female Canadian Singers - Wailing Banshees
One of these things doesn't belong here...

Pole Dancing at the 2012 Olympics

The IOC is a forward thinking, modern committee of old men who have recently released a list of sports to be introduced at the Summer Olympic Games in London, 2012.

Top of the list with 100% voting support is the the newly recognized 'sport' of pole dancing, followed by chess with 87% support and competitive dishwashing with 72% of the committee saying yes.
Pole Dancing, Chess and Dish Washing are all being considered for the 2012 London Olympics
New Olympic Sports?
Juan Antonio Samaranch, president of the IOC, commented "Since January 1st 1997, the UK have had laws in place banning firearms [with the exception of military and uniformed services] completely from the country, making a number of existing Olympic sports uncontestable, so we needed replacement events - something more refined, to reflect the nature of the British population."

He continued, "As for the pole dancing, we just wanted to see some ladies shake their stuff for medals. We are also going to make age testing mandatory to prevent underage Chinese girls competing like they did last time in the gymnastics."

America's Got Talent apologises for misleading viewers

For 5 Seasons, America's Got Talent has been on NBC primetime, parading 3rd string cabaret performers with the promise of making them the next big thing.

The 'Got Talent' franchise was devised by peanut smuggling American Idol judge Simon Cowell to ritually humiliate people in front of their families and 10 million TV viewers. Although he does not appear on the American version of the show he still has creative input and issued the following apology, "I am truly sorry that America did not realise the sarcasm in the show's title and that people were expecting to see genuinely talented people."

"Sometimes," Cowell continued, "someone slips under the no-talent radar" referring to Susan 'Gargoyle' Boyle from the original British version of the show, "but we try to keep the talent levels below mediocre."

It is strange that it took America 5 years to realise that the show was just a big joke even with obvious clues like David Hasselhoff and Sharon Osbourne as judges. Highlights from season 5 so far include Chipps Cooney, the 90 year old stripping pseudo-comedian and some French guy who plays harmonica.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Satan's image found on pancake

A customer at an Alabama IHOP was astonished to see an image of Satan on her morning pancake today.

"I ordered my usual pancake combo and coffee and when it arrived, just before I drowned it in syrup I noticed a dancing devil on the top pancake." Doris Obermann, 57 continued, "You expect to see pictures of Jesus in your breakfast or John the Baptist shaped chips, but Beelzebub is a very rare occurrence, even for this area."

IHOP's new Devil Pancakes
It's a tail. Definately a tail.
The manager of the Huntsville IHOP was unable to comment on the subjective shape that some claim could be the Lord of Darkness. "None of the staff here at IHOP are followers of Satan," he told us, "and we certainly don't sacrifice horny toads or armadillos in the kitchen area of our restaurant."

Doris plans to sell the pancake on Ebay to try to make a quick buck. Bids are expected to begin at $5.99; the cost of the breakfast she had to skip.

Most viewed pages (last 30 days)

Slap the Penguin, more than just a satirical news blog