google.com, pub-9840409407193699, DIRECT, f08c47fec0942fa0 Slap The Penguin: 09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

UN appoint alien ambassador

The United Nations will announce Malaysian astrophysicist, Dr Mazlan Othman as head of the UN’s Office for Outer Space Affairs (OOSA). The position is being commonly referred to as Alien Ambassador.

She describes her most important function as  “co-ordinating humanity’s response to any first contact”. A dangerous role based on Hollywood's viewpoint (Independence Day, War of the Worlds, Mars Attacks).
Dr Othman - Take me to your leader

Sunday, September 26, 2010

New entries in the OED

The Oxford English Dictionary is the foremost reference for lexicographers worldwide and is regarded as the ultimate reference for anything pertaining to the English language.

Try fitting all this on your Kindle
For the past 21 years a large group of language experts have been reviewing and compiling the 3rd edition of the great book, known as OED3. However, it appears that this great venture may not actually materialise in the traditional book format. OED3 will most likely be an e-book.

WTF? - Lindsay Lohan is out again

A Los Angeles judge has ordered a revolving door be added to the county penitentiary where Lindsay Lohan spends a portion of her not so free time. Her in again, out again affair with prison has taken another twist this last Friday when the 'Parent Trap' star was sentenced to 1 month behind bars without bail after failing a drug test.

LiLo in 15 years time? (www.peopleofwalmart.com)

Friday, September 24, 2010

Free Beer on Wednesday

Anheuser Busch's ailing Budweiser brand is giving away free beer on Wednesday 29th under the guise of National Happy Hour. Half a million lucky(?) drinkers will receive a free can if they are fortunate enough to be at one of the participating bars and restaurants.

BUDS = Budweiser beers

Thursday, September 23, 2010

WTF? - Zuckerberg, you can't buy friends

So, Mark Zuckerberg, creator of the social media leviathan, Facebook, is donating $100 million to schools in Newark, NJ. He will be joining the goddess of tax break giveaways, Oprah Winfrey on her show this Friday.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Idol confirms judge lineup for new season

The waiting is over for American Idol fans, as the celebrity judges have finally been announced. Almost everyone knew that Simon Cowell was not coming back, and rumors of Ellen's departure were confirmed a while ago. BUT, who knew that the argumentative strumpet, Karen Digiorno, would be kicked off the show?

The replacements who will be joining Randy have been confirmed as Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler.
Jennifer 'Jello' Lopez, Joan Rivers and the new, slimmer Drew Carey

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Cubs Rookie is not a vampire

Tyler Colvin, the Cubs rookie outfielder was subjected to one of the most extreme vampire killing methods and survived.
The Cubbies new 3rd base coach waving home a runner

Monday, September 20, 2010

Top 10 things NOT to say when you get pulled over by the police

There are not many feelings worse than checking your rear view mirror and seeing the word ECILOP accompanied by flashing lights, and should the police have reason to pull you over, be sure you don't escalate the situation by using any of the following phrases.

Is something wrong, officer?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dear Tina - My mom wants to friend me on Facebook

Dear Tina,
My mom wants to friend me on facebook and stuff just so she can spy on me and that’s like so not fair. OMG, why can't she like leave me alone to have my own friends and like not get all up in my business and stuff. Dude, facebook is for young people anyway. It's so not fair. She said if I don't accept her request she will like ground me and stuff and take my cell phone away.

What can I do?
LOLGIRL

Thursday, September 16, 2010

WTF? - Roundabouts

Have you ever tried to negotiate a roundabout at the same time as someone who has no concept of driving etiquette, highway rules or geometry?

The roundabout is an incredibly simple concept to understand: Take geometry's simplest shape, the circle, and place it in the center of an intersection as a means of allowing an almost continuous flow of traffic to circumnavigate the island and to pass through said intersection from any direction with minimal interruption to the journey.

Wow, now that I write it down, it starts to sound complicated. Interceding the continental flow of circumcision???
The roundabout - simplicity in it's purest form

Monday, September 13, 2010

NFL Mascot eats cheerleader

The Tennessee Titans cheer squad are having a tough time of it since last season's mascot quit and ran off with the costume only hours before the big opening game against the Oakland Raiders. They had to find both a replacement person and replacement costume. Sorry, but it is just a person in a costume and so is Santa, kids!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The origin of The Tea Party

Many people credit the beginnings of The Tea Party to Keli Carender a conservative activist and blogger from Seattle who organized a series of protests, the likes of which had not been seen since 1773, the year of the Boston Tea Party.

Slap The Penguin has uncovered another possibility for the origin of the name.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Top 10 misheard lyrics

It has happened to all of us as some point in our lives. The sudden realization that for days, months or even years we have been singing the wrong words to a song. The degree of embarrassment depends on the song, what you were actually singing and how you found out. Whether you looked up the lyrics, or a friend corrected you or you just had an epiphany.

Christina Aguilera and the National Anthem
Christina Aguilera and the National Anthem

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Top 10 iPhone apps and accessories

To celebrate the release (oops too late) of the iPhone 4, I have compiled a Top 10 list of iPhone apps and accessories that no self respecting iPhowner should be without.

10. How Much?
This useful little app will let you know, up to the minute how much it has cost you to own your iPhone and can estimate how much more money you will be required to hand over before your 2 year contract expires and you can be free of the ridiculous charges.

9. Penis Measure
A handy little tool for measuring your handy little tool. Since the iPhone is blessed with a 3 inch screen, 97% of iPhowners can get an accurate reading from this app.

The iPhone penis measurer
Measuring Tool?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Dear Tina - Golf

Dear Tina,
I am a typical man who is unable to discuss things of a personal nature without using euphemisms and since I am a keen golfer I will be using golf as a way of shielding my embarrassment.

My wife and I like to play a round quite regularly, she has always been keen to polish my club and enjoys it when I sink a 6 incher in the hole. Also, before we were married she even alluded to inviting another lady golfer to make up a threesome.

I like to think of myself as a considerate golfer, respecting the course and never playing areas that are temporarily closed for monthly repairs. I am also very appreciative of the work that is done keeping the greens well maintained and trimmed.

So... how do I get her to let me play the back nine? I just want to try it and see what taking a shot out of the bunker would be like. I am a fully paid up member of this private course so I should be allowed to play any and all of the holes. Should I possibly consider playing another course that has an open back 9?

Yours inquisitively, golfnut.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

No Child Left Behind a.k.a. Lowering the Bar

Since January 8th, 2002 there has been a law in place known as the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001 which in essence is a commitment that all schoolchildren will attain the level of education required at certain milestones.

Ditch Digger
John Herneschenk: Valedictorian and Chief Ditch Technician

Finally, an airline that wants Steven Slater

We all remember the beer grabbing, passenger abusing, slide deploying JetBlue trolley dolly that simultaneously made himself a folk hero and the world's biggest jerk-off. (You don't - click here)

He is being offered a job by Kulula Airlines, a Johannesburg based South African Airline. Their attitude towards customers is a little more relaxed than any major international carrier that you may have flown with, and it is bluntly obvious from the first time you see one of their bright green planes.

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