Friday, November 14, 2014

Escaped tiger spotted near Disneyland Paris

By +Ian C

French police have been on the lookout for an escaped tiger which has been spotted in and around the area of Disneyland Paris. The animal was first spotted 3 days ago, and so far nobody has reported that they are missing any wild cats.

Disneyland Paris and the escaped tiger
Disneyland Paris is quiet while the tiger is at large
Initial reactions from the local authorities suggest that the tiger may have escaped from either a travelling circus, or from a private zoo in the area, but nobody is able to confirm either theory so far.

The threat of being mauled by a wild tiger is keeping Frenchies away from 'EuroDisney' in their thousands and the Disney Corporation have announced (again) record low visitor numbers for the week. Their spokesperson, Michel Souris told us, "Il est certainement la menace de tigre d'éloigner les gens. Tout le monde en France aime le grand Disney américain. Il est vrai que nos ventes ont été en baisse constante depuis que nous avons ouvert en 1992, et cela est tout à fait raison de le tigre et pas d'autres raisons. Les gens aiment venir à notre parc et ils ont tellement de plaisir ici. Il était certainement pas une erreur d'ouvrir un parc à thème Disneyland en France."

When translated through an online translator it reads, "It is certainly the danger of tiger pointing people away. All in France similar the grid American Disney. True yes our canopy are descending steadfast since spreading in 1992, sublimely for the tiger and not other reasons. Artisans ejaculate to our park and they have deep pleasure within. It was absolute tiny naughty to spread a Disneyland thought concourse in France." Analysis of this quote suggests 2 things, first, the VP at DP is blaming his 22 year failure on a recent tiger sighting and second, we need to find a better online translator.


Christmas at Disneyland Paris
It's Christmas at Disneyland and nobody is smiling
It is no secret that Disneyland Paris is nowhere near the levels of success anticipated, with ever falling gates and some of the lowest customer satisfaction numbers across the company. Just look at the faces of the people in the picture above. Very few people are smiling, and it seems none of them even want to be there, even on Christmas Eve! The lady in the grey sweater looks like she is yelling abuse at the tiger on the sled.

Angry French Lady
(in a French accent) "What kind of stupid looking tiger are you anyway?"

STOP PRESS! ! !

In  a totally weird turn of events, our news story was read by an Inspector Cluesans at the Paris police department and he has unravelled the secret of the escaped tiger story. The incident of tiger abuse from last Christmas (pictured above) put Tigger in a downward spiral of drinking, depression and self abuse. When he hit rock bottom he planned and executed his escape and vowed to exact revenge on his captors. It was he that has been skulking around the area surrounding Disneyland Paris frightening away would be patrons.

Tigger was subdued by a series of .303 rifle bullets to the head
T-I double Guh aaargh
With this new information and after a thrilling 3 hour pursuit, French police cornered Tigger in an unused area of the park which is undergoing construction and subdued him with a series of .303 rifle bullets to the head. A handful of park visitors witnessed the event and said that it was the best attraction  they had seen all day, and went off to buy season tickets.

Have you ever been to Disneyland Paris? Is it really as bad as people say it is? I bet the lines for the attractions move pretty quickly if nobody ever goes there. Share your experiences below.

1 comment :

Badass Brunette said...

Ha. As is stands, I am currently in Paris visiting my folks, and my dad showed me this ridiculous bit of advice that the French "news" channels shared :

"If you spot the beast, do not run. Stay still and scream at the top of your lungs, as this will show the mammal you arent scared."

This was shared by an "expert" (or shall i say an ex- spurt. A growth that never was)

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