Wednesday, December 3, 2014

DNA evidence suggests a hiccup for the royals

By +Sue Casa

The bones found beneath a parking lot in Leicester, UK have been confirmed by Britain's top DNA boffins to be those of Richard III, King of England, who died in 1485 fighting the Tudors during the War of the Roses; thus leaving the throne open to Henry VII who succeeded by right of conquest. The lack of horse skeletons in the burial area suggest that Shakespeare's version of Richard III's demise was accurate at least from an equine angle.

Now is the Winter of our discontent
Sean Bean, insert meme or movie death joke here
As a result of the DNA research into the skeletal remains of the last Plantagenet King, scientists also discovered an anomaly in DNA stream with respect to the royal line, which gives us our modern Royal family headed by Queen Elizabeth II. Somewhere along the way somebody was born out of wedlock (not uncommon for the rich people in the 16th century) and as a result the royal line was messed up.

So if the experts say that Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor is not the rightful monarch, who do they suggest should be sitting on the British throne? 

"Our DNA analysis system is very thorough and can deliver results accurate to 99.999% certainty." said Pat Ernity, DNA boffin, "it's the one used on popular daytime TV shows like 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' [the British Maury Povich] to prove or disprove fatherhood."

Richard III King of England
KR3's facebook profile picture
"The 'Very Accurate DNA Extrapolation Reader' or VADER as we call it, can follow generational lines of DNA and produce a 25 layer genealogy chart in just hours. We programmed in the details about the bastard son of Richard III and followed the line through England, into Germany and ultimately into the United States ending up in Baltimore."

The evidence presented by Dr Ernity and his colleagues was indeed very thorough and compelling, but as a Brit, I feel that my fellow countrymen and women will find the results hard to swallow. Providing the 500 plus year old information is accurate then, according to Pat Ernity and VADER, David Hasselhoff is the rightful King of England and all of it's adjoining territories and outlying parcels of land.

King David Hasselhoff
His Royal Highness King David I
His Royal Hoffness was not available for interview but he was described as being excited for the news. Depending on the outcome of this recent discovery, Hasselhoff may have to shelf his plans for the Baywatch reboot unless he plans to have the new series set at a British beach like the ones at Skegness or Torquay.

According to British regal law "...whenever a dispute of succession arises the contestants are charged to face each other in mortal combat for the right to sit upon the throne." Your part in all this is to let us know who you think will win the battle for the crown. Use the comments section below and share your choice of monarch with the world.

1 comment :

Brad Naylor said...

When he is crowned, his first act should be to Knight Rider...

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