Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Bomb disposal with Xfinity (Comcast)

Comcast are getting some bad press right now with the very public release of a phone call with a customer service representative. The Comcast representative was obnoxious and rude and did very little to offer satisfaction to the now ex-customer. By a twist of fate yesterday, I was stuck in an online chat box with Comcast over a billing issue, which took almost 2 hours to resolve; that's about 105 minutes longer than it should have taken in reality.

Xfinity Chat to resolve a billing issue
Personal details obscured to protect the innocent
It took 3 'analysts' and numerous repetitions of the problem and desired solution to achieve my aim of getting an unwanted, unrequested and until the oversized bill arrived, unknown about second phone line removed from my account.

While typing to these 'analysts' and dealing with their redundant questioning, and pre-programmed 'nice' responses, I wondered how far they would get in a career in the bomb squad. During the many periods of "patiently waiting" I started to rewrite the on-screen conversation in my mind and this is kind of how it went.

Bombcast - business is booming
Bombcast - business is booming
Ramdit: Thank you for contacting Bombcast today, my name is Ramdit, how may I provide you with the best possible service?
Me: Hi Ramdit. There is a bomb and I would like very much for you to disconnect it for me, please.
Ramdit: Thank you, I understand that you have a bomb and you would like me to disconnect it for you. Can you just confirm the serial number on the bomb for me please.
Me: It's a bomb and it's going to blow up, and take half my house with it. Please disconnect the bomb.
Ramdit: It is my pleasure to assist you today, sir. Would you mind waiting for 2-3 minutes while I pull up your Account and check the possible causes of this issue please?
Me: The timer on the bomb says 15 minutes, please hurry.
[3 minute wait]
Ramdit: Thank you for patiently waiting. I have your account in front of me, and it appears that you have a bomb which needs diffusing. Is this correct?
Ramdit: Would you please confirm the serial number of the bomb please.
Ramdit: Just to be totally clear, would you like me to disconnect the bomb?
Ramdit: Thank you for being a Bombcast customer. To complete the disconnection process I have to transfer you to a different department. Would you like me to do that for you today, sir?
Me: Yes, hurry.
[2 minute wait]

<Ramdit has left the chat>

[3 minute wait]

<Minjeeta has joined the chat>
Minjeeta: My name is Minjeeta and I am pleased to be able to help you today. How can I best assist you with your account today?
Me: I have a bomb which needs disconnecting and there is less than 6 minutes on the timer.
Minjeeta: Thank you. Would you mind waiting for 2-3 minutes while I pull up your Account to confirm what you have just told me.
Me (sarcastically): Sure, the timer says 5 minutes 12 seconds. No hurry!
[3 minute wait] 
Minjeeta: Thank you for patiently waiting. I have your account here and it shows that you are eligible for an upgrade. We can get you a bigger bomb for the same price you are paying now, locked in for 12 months. May I make that upgrade for you, sir?
Me: You may NOT. What you can do is disconnect my current bomb. I never requested the bomb, I have never used the bomb, and I have no use for the bomb. Thank you.
Minjeeta: I understand that you want a bomb disconnecting. I would be happy to help you with that today.
Minjeeta: Would you mind waiting for 2-3 minutes while I disconnect the bomb. While you are waiting, you could learn about some of the other services which Bombcast provide at
[2 minute wait]

Minjeeta: Thank you for patiently waiting, I am happy to tell you that I have disconnected the bomb, and as a special offer today you can sign up for our unlimited grenade package for just $20 per month for the first month. Can I add this to your account today, Sir?
Minjeeta: Are you still there?
Minjeeta: For our records, can you confirm that I provided you with the best customer service today?
Minjeeta: Sir?
<Me has left the chat (in a very bad mood)>
Minjeeta: Arrogant arsehole
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Share your customer service experiences, good or bad, in the comments section below.

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