Dear Tina - Multitools for Father's Day

I have received a couple of emails from people asking me what they can get their dad for Father's Day. I assume that you don't all share the same father since none of you were born in Austria or California, so I shall give you all some good generic Daddy Day advice.

Father's Day is just 1 week away and we all know that Dad's like tools. The more spectacular or powerful the tool the better. There is nothing a man likes doing more than comparing tools with his neighbor and being able to say his is better, bigger or more powerful, so I have some great manly multitools for you to choose from.

Leatherman 830685 Charge TTi with Nylon Sheath

This is one tough mulitool from Leatherman. The new improved version of the previous model boasts 133% more squeezing power from the pliers and features a super sharp seatbelt/linoleum cutter in case you have a motor vehicle or kitchen floor covering emergency. The 830685 features lots of things which can be found in the Amazon.com description by clicking the picture. 

SOG Specialty Knives & Tools S66-N PowerAssist Multitool with Power Assist Blades

This is one sexy looking multitool from a lesser known manufacturer, SOG. It comes with two blades (one straight, one serrated) and a geared pliers/wire cutters for improved gripping/cutting power. Again, the full description and features list of this ass kicking kit can be found by clicking the picture.

Gerber 07400 DET Multi-Plier 600 with Blasting Cap Crimper

Is it just me or does this thing look like a spider that just got squished? Gerber have always played second fiddle to Leatherman, but if this is what they are putting out then they could now be the bronze medal name in mulitools. The description lists it's features as having a Blasting Cap Crimper and a C4 Punch. It sounds like the kind of multitool that a potential terrorist would use to make IED's.

Caterpillar 11-C35662CP 17 Function Needle Nose Multimaster Multitool

Wow, this one is just one big old piece of shit with CAT stamped on it. I think it may have originally said SCAT but it is so cheaply made that the 'S' wore off. I am still trying to figure out what the 17 functions claimed in the description actually are. This overpriced nail file is in the same price bracket as the previous items and should be avoided at all costs, unless you hate your father and want to give him a crappy gift.

Even though this is a (mostly) tantalising selection of multitools, the ultimate multitool is probably already in your father's possession. It is something he has had his hands on since before puberty and probably multiple times daily during puberty.

The Swiss Army Penis

The multitool in question is the penis. What other tool can you think of that screws, nails, bangs and bones? It prods, it pokes, it drills, it plows. It grinds and pumps, it pounds and sticks... and has so many other uses besides.
What are you getting your dad for Father's Day?

If you need advice on absolutely anything then email me -Tina.cruris(at)slapthepenguin.com