Sunday, January 25, 2015

The 5th Annual Slap The Penguin Awards

By +Ian C

Wow, it's hard to believe we made it through another year without too much trouble. The last Sunday of January comes around so quickly and we barely had enough time to count up all of the votes for the 5th Annual Slappy Awards. You can check out the previous events and winners here.

The 5th Annual Slap The Penguin Awards

As usual, none of the celebrities we contacted were interested available to host our humble awards show so we are doing it ourselves - again. For those who are new to the Slappys you may be wondering what the fuss is all about. Our awards are similar to the Golden Globes or the Oscars, but we award them to people and posts who have had the most influence on our website over the previous year.

This is what the fuss is all about
This is what the fuss is all about
Grab a beer and some popcorn and get comfy, the spectacular is about to begin...

Best 'Top 10' post
We are not well known for our Top 10 posts, and if you look back at our efforts you will see why, but sometimes a real gem happens. This year's award for best Top 10 post goes to...

Top 10 facts about Light My Fire

Best news story which actually came true
As a satirical news blog, some of the facts in our posts are slightly exaggerated, while others are totally made up. Every now and then something we make up actually happens, and we have an award category for such events. The best prediction of 2014 was...

Wyoming trialing electronic driver's license

Most under-appreciated post
As a writer, you think you have a feel for what your readers want. You frequently write posts which you think are perfect and are bound to go viral, and as you check the stats you find yourself wondering why people are not clicking and sharing. The most under-appreciated post of 2014 was...

Greek yogurt aimed at larger women

Most surprising post
On the other side of the coin, sometimes we just churn out a 'by the numbers' half-assed post to fill a gap and it turns out to be a big success. The award for the most surprising post goes to...

Nickelodeon publish curse words on website

Now we are exactly half way through our awards and to give you all a break to refill your beer or to empty your system of the previous beer we have our half time show. Due to circumstances, we have had a change to our advertised performer. Bono will no longer be singing on the STP stage because he did not see the funny side of a recent post which put him at #1 in the list of Top 10 ugliest 80's singers.

Sadly we couldn't get Katy Perry at such short notice because she has to rest her voice for next Sunday's superbowl half time show, but we at STP are resourceful and we have done the next best thing. Instead of Bono we have Ono singing the Katy Perry song Fireworks. Enjoy.

I am truly moved. I am not quite sure how to follow that except by awarding another Slappy™.

Most viewed post of 2014
The category says it all. This is the award for our most viewed post of 2014. This was a close contest but the overall winner is...

Bruno Mars' real parents revealed

Female Celebrity of 2014
This category is always jam packed full of nominees, and to list everybody who was considered would probably take way too much effort. The shortlist is.
The winner is Taylor Swift [pause for 3 minutes of silent Swifting]

Male Celebrity of 2014
This category was much tougher to judge since nobody truly stood out as deserving of such a prestigious award. We scraped together the following couple of names.
We closed our eyes and pointed and Bruce Jenner won.

2014 Slap the Penguin Lifetime achievement award

We usually reserve this award for someone old fart who hasn't done enough recently to get a real award, but this year I chose to award it to someone who actually devoted his lifetime to comedy. a true lifetime achievement award cannot be awarded until the recipient has lived a lifetime. I am honored to present this award to the memory of someone who didn't necessarily change the direction of comedy, but deflected it enough to rock the boat and create some ripples. Ladies and gentlemen the 2014 Slap the Penguin award goes to one of the funniest men to die last year, (no not Robin Williams) Rik Mayall.

Rik Mayall is thrilled to receive the STP Lifetime Achievement Award
The ghost of Rik Mayall takes a leaf out of Taylor's Swifting book
That's it. Go home. No more awards. We're done.

OK, you can stick around but you have to leave a comment. Did we miss anyone? What did you think of Miss Ono's performance? Who would you like to give a Slappy to?

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