Thursday, November 3, 2011

Twilight for beginners (part one)

This month has one of the most important dates on the calendar for teen girls everywhere. (And for some of their moms too). On November 18th 2011, Twilight: Breaking Dawn (part 1) will be unleashed in an unsuspecting theater near you.

For those people who are planning on seeing Happy Feet 2 that weekend, DON'T. You and your small children will be trampled underfoot by waves of Team Edward and Team Jacob fans fighting to be first to see the next installment of the Twilight Saga, adapted from the pen of second rate writer, Stephanie Meyer.

I started reading the first book to see what the fuss was about and had to put it down because the writing was so awful. I may not be a great writer myself, but Stephen King is and he said "...Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good."

Robert, Kristen and Taylor 'acting' moody for the camera
In response to these comments, a spokesperson for Summit Entertainment, the studio behind the movies, told us, "It is no secret that Meyer's writing is somewhat two dimensional and shallow, which is precisely why we cast the lead roles as we did."

Anyway, to fill you in on the details: Bella is an unhappy, angst-ridden teen girl who moves to a new school in a new city and fails instantly to fit in, causing even more angst. Then just as a schoolbus is about to plow into her, ending her misery, she is saved by Edward who, unknown to Bella, is a moody, angst-ridden vampire. She is strangely drawn to him, just as he is to her, but this is a love that cannot be. After all, vampires are mean, nasty creatures that actually sparkle in the sunlight and do not burst into flames as we have been led to believe by every other single vampire story.

See, they sparkle
So, Bella and Edward fall in love and start hanging out, meanwhile Jacob (who, like Mark Wahlberg, is unable to keep a shirt on for more than 5 minutes) takes a fancy to Bella and Bella kind of likes him back which makes Edward even moodier. Jacob can turn into a wolf at will and hates vampires so this could turn out to be a very bumpy and angst-ridden ride for all involved.

Ultimately, Bella and Edward get married, have a honeymoon and she gets pregnant, intertwined with the seperate sub-plots that act as filler to pad out the inter-species love triangle. This creates considerably more angst, since not only is she still a teenager but she is married to a vampire. And she has a secret crush on a werewolf, who as it turns out, could possibly be the father of the baby she is carrying.

Will the baby have fangs or fur? If you truly care then you will need to watch the movie, and if you don't care, then Edward is the father. (Ooops * * * Spoiler Alert * * * Sorry).


love2type said...

team edward.. sexy, cold creatures..

Janene said...

I completely devoured the books and, frankly, am quite embarrassed about it. Still, a few other people read the books along with me, so Meyers must have done something right. ;)

Tina said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the world. I wouldn't describe Edward as sexy. Cold definately, but no where near sexy.

Janene, there is no shame in reading trashy love novels. Although most of them have a rugged hero embracing a women with a huge heaving bosom on the front cover and not chess pieces.

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