Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Dolphins versus surfers situation escalates

By +Ian C

Man and maritime mammals have not always seen eye to eye and the fake fish are trying to exert their sea-superiority once more. Not since 2010 when we reported on the Whale War have humans been directly threatened by their piscine peers.

Dolphins versus Surfers
Dolphins versus Surfers
The dolphins seem to be singling out surfers for their current attacks, but we don't know if this is merely for convenience or whether the surfers have actually done anything to upset dolphinkind. We do know that some species of dolphin are territorial and maybe they are just reminding us that they were here (in the ocean) first.

We spoke with Matt Hooper from the Oceanographic Institute regarding the aggressive dolphin behavior. His principal theory revolves around the cycle of food migration with climate progression. "As the marine climate changes, the feeding/spawning/migration patterns of the critters change. This in turn upsets the predatory animals like the Tursiops Truncatus, which appears to be the main offender in these attacks on humans."

A dolphin launches an attack on a lone surfer
This guy is about to get 'fish slapped'
Other theories suggest that this is revenge for all those dolphin deaths which occur due to tuna fishing, or that the dolphins are mounting a strategic assault on the human race beginning in the water. Currently there is no evidence of a dolphin army or dolphin air force, but their navy is fairly well equipped.

One popular theory is known as the 'dolphin rape' theory. Matt Hooper explains; "Adolescent male dolphins become sexually aware before they achieve sexual maturity so they are not ready to take a female mate. Basically you have a bunch of horny male teen dolphins who have large and flexible penises but still lack the ability to make a fist. They are simply looking for anything that moves with which to work out their hormonal desires. It seems that human surfers are being mistaken for aquatic sperm buckets by these sex crazed cetaceans."

A teen dolphin looking for a hook-up

Personally, I don't buy the horny dolphin theory, but I do believe that dolphins are strategically looking to cull the human race. It is the only way to explain what happened to Brody Ryder. Brody was happily surfing in Hawaii when he was viciously attacked by a spinner dolphin which not only smashed his surfboard but also severed and swallowed his left arm from the shoulder down.

Dolphin attacks surfer

Brody was helped to shore by fellow surfers who witnessed the attack. The dolphin escaped with the arm so they were unable to reattach the original, but Brody now has a beautiful artificial arm whittled from a piece of driftwood found on the beach while his bros were trying stem the bleeding with bandanas and sex-wax.

Do you have a dolphin attack theory not mentioned here? Do you think one of our published ideas is plausible? Really? Wow! Share below.

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