Sunday, January 31, 2016

The 6th Annual Slap The Penguin Awards

By +Ian C

Welcome to the 6th Annual Slap The Penguin Awards, affectionately known as The Slappys™. We weren't even sure if this event would go ahead, and even as I am typing this, I am not 100% convinced that it will still happen, so if you aren't reading this then it didn't get published and the world missed out on an awesome online award presentation.

As usual, none of the celebrities we spoke to were available to host the Slappys™ so, we are again self sufficient in that department. The votes are in and counted and we will be handing out these awesome looking awards to those who have earned them during 2015.

I bet you would love to get one of these
Roll out the red carpet, get comfortable and enjoy the 6th Annual Slap the Penguin Awards.

Best 'Top 10' post
We are not well known for our Top 10 posts, and if you look back at our efforts you will see why, but sometimes a real gem happens. This year's award for best Top 10 post goes to...

Top 10 Misheard Lyrics Part 2

Best music related post
Over the year, there were a lot of music related news stories, but one stood out as being earth shattering. A story so huge that it rocked the music industry across the entire globe. The award for best music related post goes to...

Best Star Wars related post
2015 was a giant year for the Disney Owned Star Wars Franchise and many people tried to cash in on the new movie. We are not the kind of people to do that, and to prove that fact, our winning Star Wars related post came from March 2015. The award goes to...

Best technology post
Regular readers know that we (most of us) are not big fans of Apple and their products, and there was no shortage of posts reminding you of that, but the winner of this award is not related to Apple. The winner is...

Best/Worst pun
One of the most rewarding and also the most frustrating parts of this job is inserting puns into the text. Occasionally the pun is a secondary line of attack supplemental to the main them of the story, but the pun can also be the punchline of the post. Sometimes these puns are too clever for the average reader rendering the post unfunny. The one post where this did not happen is...

We are about halfway through the awards and it's time for our world famous halftime show. Previous performers including Yoko Ono (doing Katy Perry), Heyonce, and Brian Hershey can be seen by checking out the Awards Archive. We had booked a British band called Coldplay but they pulled out last minute claiming an exclusivity contract with the NFL. Personally I think they were just pissed that we publicised the fact that Kermit had to step in when Chris Martin strained his vocal chords.

Instead we proudly present the recently deceased David Bowie, who wisely declined a Coldplay collaboration on the grounds that their song wasn't very good. David is also probably the whitest performer we could find so that we could piss off Jada Pinkett Smith and her "Black Oscars".

All of our award nominees and winners are heroes in one way or another.

Now that you have enjoyed our musical interlude, we move onto the awards that people actually care about.

Most viewed post of 2015
No explanation of this category is needed. Our most viewed post of 2015, by a landslide margin was...

Female Celebrity of 2015
This is usually a hotly contested category and this year was absolutely a total exception. After much deliberation and drinking and dredging the archives, the shortlist is as follows. An asterisk denotes a diversity nomination and should not be considered as a serious candidate for an award

Oprah Winfrey* (Oprah to feature on redesigned $10 bill?)

The winner is Caitlyn Jenner

Male Celebrity of 2015
In a dramatic twist of fortunes, this category was overflowing with potential candidates. We had a tough job thinning it down to a 3 way shortlist, but here it is. An asterisk denotes a diversity nomination and should not be considered as a serious candidate for an award

Wesley Snipes* (TaxSniper software slammed by experts)

The winner is Bruce Jenner

This is a unique event in STP Awards history. Never before in our 6 years has the same person won both the Male and Female Celebrity Award in the same year (or different years for that matter). Congrats to Bruce/Caitlyn.

2015 Slap the Penguin Lifetime achievement award
Just as we did last year, we are only giving this award to entities who have lived their lifetime. This year's winner is not yet dead, but at 95 years old, is on the verge of death. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the winner of the 2015 Slap the Penguin Lifetime achievement award, RadioShack.

RadioShack finally wins at something
Back to the Shack
Since nobody from RadioShack wanted to come and collect the award personally, we decided to mail a 'winners' poster to each RadioShack store that is still operating. We only had 15 posters, so some stores may have received duplicates.

Thanks to everyone who took part in the awards this year, especially our diversity editor who ensured an even racial representation throughout the show. That's all we have for you tonight. No more budget means no more awards. Thanks and goodnight.

Oh, you are welcome to comment below so long as you are not Kanye contesting an award. Just scroll down to where you see the "Post a Comment" link.

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