Thursday, December 26, 2013

Voodoo Medicine

A Louisiana medical center has introduced a radical new outpatient service which involves a combination of two ancient and contrasting systems. Acupuncture is an almost 4000 year old medical practice involving the insertion of needles into key areas of the human body, while Louisiana Voodoo is around 300 years old and utilizes black magic and involves the insertion of needles into a likeness of a human to cause harm to that person.
Voodoo Acupuncture
You may feel a small prick...
Our Lady of the Lake Regional Medical Center in Baton Rouge offers this new, experimental treatment for a variety of low urgency ailments including sore throat, cold, indigestion, stomach ache and hemorrhoids. The only difference between treatments is the needle placement.

According to spokeswoman, Kulamin Manika, "This is groundbreaking medicine which will relieve pressure on our oversubscribed clinic. Once we have your voodoo doll or 'poppet' on file we can administer remote treatments for simple symptoms without you even having to visit the clinic. We can diagnose you online or over the phone and then administer a treatment to your effigy within 30 minutes."

"Currently we are showing a 78% satisfaction rate on VA treatments for the first 6 months of this 2 year trial, with a target of 90% satisfaction to allow a broader roll-out. The 22% which were not happy were mostly dissatisfied by the generic appearance of their doll, and were expecting a mini-me version of themselves with matching hair and clothing. For an extra fee we could 'personalize' your individual effigy, but this would not impact medical efficiency and would not likely be covered by any medical insurance."

Voodoo Opthalmics
Short-sighted medicine?
Opponents of Voodoo Acupuncture claim that this method of distance medicine removes accountability from those who should be making important medical prognoses as well as leaving trusting patients open to abuse from a black magic which is known to have been used to cause personal harm for over 3 centuries.

Olympic Ice Dancer Charlie White, who has no connection with this story, told us, "Even though acupuncture is a recognized form of medical relief and practitioners are required to be licensed, there is absolutely no way that sticking pins into a patient doll is any more effective as a cure for anything than regular voodoo is for causing harm to people. It's all a bunch of malarkey".

We always crave your input on any and all of our posts and would love to hear your opinion about this new variation on old medicine. Have you ever had acupuncture? Would you consider Voodoo acupuncture? Leave us a comment and share your thoughts.

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