Ireland distances itself from mainland UK

by +Tina Cruris

Politics and religion have been the major causes of attrition between the mainland UK and Ireland for centuries, but soon that will come to an end. Ireland has finally decided to sever it's ties with the British mainland and distance itself from the UK.

A nation divided?

The trouble all started way back in Tudor times when Henry VIII (or in decimal Henry 0.125) wanted to have multiple wives but the Catholic church wouldn't allow it. He also wanted a share of all their gold which really pissed them off. Their refusal to concede to his request made him mad so he kicked them out and took their gold by force.

After his death the throne suffered a few years of turmoil. Henry's son, Edward VI was only 9 when he took the throne in name only. He died 6 years later and was replaced for a whole 13 days by Lady Jane Grey. She in turn was ousted by Mary I a.k.a. Mary Queen of Scots, who was a passionate Catholic and burned over 200 Protestants at the stake in her 5 years on the throne. It was because of this religious genocide she earned the name Bloody Mary, and not because she enjoyed tomato juice in her vodka.

It was Elizabeth I who deposed her older half-sister from the throne and reversed the national religion from Catholic to Protestant. There is an unsubstantiated belief that her choice of religion was not based on her father's beliefs, but on the fact that she disliked fish, especially on a Friday, which under her father's reign was wild boar night.

This map has been modified to make both sides of the Atlantic visible

Enough of the history lesson. Ireland is distancing itself from the British mainland, literally. I mean that the distance between Ireland and the British mainland is increasing. Scientists have deduced that the island of Ireland is moving due west towards the Canadian coast at a rate of 3 inches per year.

At it's current speed, without outside interference, Ireland will travel the 1900 miles (120 million inches) and reach the Newfoundland coast of Canada in approximately 40 million years. This gives plenty of time for Irish residents to make the difficult decision of staying on Irish soil or moving to the mainland.

The reason for the shift is, for the moment, unknown. The study of plate tectonics has deduced that Ireland is part of the Eurasian Plate and is far from the border with the North American plate. There is no geological reason for this shift, and the best brains in this field are stumped.

There is a small rumor circulating that Bono is behind the whole escapade. He recently bought 1000 outboard motors and a small town on the East coast of Ireland which used to be called Killiniskyduff, although he quickly renamed it Bonoville. Bono has also been photographed captaining a tugboat off the West coast of Ireland, although it was not apparently towing anything as there were no other ships in the area.

Who names a boat after themselves?

Certain reports are suggesting that Bono plans on moving Ireland a mere 12 miles into International Waters and declaring sovereignty over a new country on the old Irish island which he plans on calling Bonotopia.

Sir King Boss Bono, Emperor of all he surveys, was unavailable for comment since he was on a world tour of Presidential handshakes.