The Other Oscars

Due to strict copyright controls and the protection of intellectual property, Slap the Penguin is unable to bring you any news regarding The Oscars (TM). However, nobody can stop us discussing The Other Oscars (TM).

L-R Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar and a lion (possibly named Oscar)

First on the red carpet this evening is Oscar the Grouch, who rose to fame on the popular children's TV show Sesame Street. "Why is he so grouchy?" you ask. Well you would be too if you had someone's hand up your ass for 42 years. Oscar is wearing a solid gold trash can designed by Mr Snuffleupagus on one of his more lucid days.

Next we have Oscar Goldman, head of the OSI and boss of Steve Austin, the 6 Million Dollar Man. We enjoy the irony of having a gold man named Oscar here with us this evening. Oscar is wearing Mary Quant underneath his Armani tweed jacket with fake buckskin elbow pads.

Here comes Oscar Wilde skipping up the carpet. Once again, Mr Wilde laughs in the face of fashion and has arrived wearing foppish 18th century garb. And he has truly trumped everyone this evening by going with the incredibly retro monochrome look.

Whoa, it looks like Oscar de la Hoya has come tonight, looking for a fight. Oscar is accompanied this evening by a golden statue who's name we believe is also Oscar. But this golden Oscar statue is Oscar the Lion. Oscar (the boxer, not the lion) is wearing a short sleeved white shirt from GAP Kids. Oscar the Lion is wearing nothing, because he is a lion, and a statue.

Our final guest tonight is fashion designer extraordinaire, Oscar de la Renta. Oscar de la Renta has dressed many important and OR beautiful ladies including Hillary Clinton, Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Jenna Bush, Tina Fey and Megan Fox. He wouldn't share with us how many of them he has undressed, but he did give a knowing wink when we asked about Susan Boyle's Golden Globe ensemble.

Disclaimer: this article has absolutely nothing to do with The Oscars (TM), and any similarity to an overrated self congratulatory award show is entirely coincidental, and has been checked and cleared by our attorneys.