Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Axe Body Spray turns 30

by +Tina Cruris

In 1983 consumer goods giant Unilever unleashed Axe Body Spray onto an unsuspecting European market, where it was received with open underarms. The brand grew rapidly under a variety of brand names, including Lynx specifically for the UK market. Axe was finally launched in the US in 2002 and American women have been choking ever since.

Lynx vs Axe
Happy 30th birthday Lynx (UK) and Axe (US)
American women are constantly complaining about the astringent effect of Axe Body Spray. This is not the fault of the brand itself, but a combination of the vague directions on the can and MEN. The directions on the can say "just hold can six inches from your body and spray it on your underarms, chest and neck". A simple addition to these instructions would be the word "sparingly".

Also the addition of the following phrases would alleviate proximity breathing issues for anyone in the same room as an Axe wearer.
  • Not intended for use as a foot deodorizer
  • Do not apply to the groin area either directly or through underwear
  • Do not depress button for more than 3 seconds per sweep
  • This 4 oz can is not a single serve size. You should get approximately of 100 applications per can
  • Do not spray near sensitive areas or within 100 feet of any female
  • Axe body spray is not intended as a substitute for showering
  • Nor is it intended to take the place of doing laundry
For all the guys reading this, the 'Axe Effect' is a fabrication. Axe body spray does not make you more attractive to women. AND the Axe Effect is most definitely not cumulative, in fact the inverse is true. The more you spray, the less attractive you become, unless the idea is to choke the women into unconsciousness before taking advantage of her.

I can't write about Axe body spray without mentioning Zach Galifianakis and his hilarious comments on Saturday Night Live. I cannot do it justice by transcribing it so here is an excerpt from YouTube. I deliberately chose the lower quality, abridged version to avoid his scarily accurate portrayal of orphan Annie later in the monologue.

Happy Birthday Axe Body Spray, here's to another 30 years of choking.

1 comment :

Janene said...

Ha ha! You said it. I for one have never felt the urge to sexually attack an Axe wearing guy in an elevator. In fact, when I DO come across a guy reeking of Axe I have to suppress a giggle. Then my senses get overwhelmed and I cough spastically.

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