Thursday, January 16, 2014

Top 10 Superheroes

By +Brad Naylor

With it's release still more than a year away, the movie 'Batman vs. Superman' is creating more excitement than most comic book geeks can handle. From the debacle about casting Ben Affleck as Batman to the rumors about who will be playing Lex Luthor (will it be Bryan Cranston or Joaquin Phoenix?) The main question that the announcement of this movie raised for me is, 'Does Batman really have a chance of beating Superman?'

Batman vs Superman
Batman will get his ass kicked
This question led me on a mission to discover the Top Ten Superheroes. Everybody knows that Superman is virtually indestructible so I had to balance the playing field a little by introducing other factors by which to measure these super guys and gals. In the 21st century commercial factors are more important than ever before. Style, popularity and sex appeal all contribute to how these superheroes were rated. All this data was plugged into my special formula and the results are as follows.

10. Hong Kong Phooey

Across almost all dimensions, HKP got severely beaten by pretty much every other superhero, but he has one redeeming feature which sees him sneak into the top 10. "He's got style, a groovy style" and it was this style which saved him from obscurity. His sidekick is Spot, a cat who actually did most of the crime fighting while the hapless Mr Phooey was otherwise engaged in a fury of fur and faux kung fu.

9. Bubbles

Bubbles is not the roughest or toughest of the Powerpuff girls, a trio of crime fighting girls, but she is the cutest. Her sisters Blossom and Buttercup make up the other two thirds of the squad, but Bubbles made the Top Ten all by herself. She is known as the sensitive one, but when she loses her temper, everybody watch out. There is a volcano waiting to explode underneath that animal loving exterior.

8. Hulk

Another superhero who has to watch his temper is Hulk. A mean green destruction machine morphs from the body of Dr Robert Bruce Banner whenever he gets angry, due to an overdose of Gamma radiation. While Hulk is almost infinitely strong and virtually indestructible, his fashion sense cost him a higher position in this chart. He also has a proclivity for destroying US Army tanks and helicopters which counted against him on the popularity scale.

7. Batgirl

Batgirl comes from the same crime-fighting house as Batman and Robin, but is slightly more glamorous than both of them. Batgirl has had a number of different alter-egos, but the most popular was that of Barbara Gordon, daughter of Commissioner Gordon. She lost a number of points in the physicality department but earned them all back because her ass looks fantastic in her superhero outfit. It's not quite sexy enough to get her higher than number seven though.

6. Spiderman

Peter Parker is a freelance photographer who dresses up in a blue and red spider suit to fight crime. This is perfectly normal behavior for someone who was bitten by a radioactive spider and developed 'spidey-senses' and an ability to shoot webs and swing from them. He is a pretty good crime-fighter in NewYork, but sucks big time in the dessert where there is nothing to swing from except for the occasional cactus. While Spiderman is both strong and cunning, his lack of sartorial elegance cost him a higher position.

5. Batman

Kicking off the top half of our list is millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. When he is not holding his world famous balls at Wayne Manor, Bruce is beating the bad guys dressed as Batman. He has changed his look over the decades in an attempt to remain relevant and scored reasonably well in the style scores. While Batman is a mere mortal with human strength, his intelligence and custom equipment bumped his scores up enough to put him firmly at number five.

4. Storm

Real name Ororo Munroe, Storm is a member of the X-Men, a dynamic group of mutants who do battle against all manner of evil. She has the power to control the weather in order to subdue or defeat enemies. This is a useful ability because nobody wants to commit a crime when it's cold and rainy. Physically she is no match for most of the male heroes in the list, but a combination of smart and sexy almost got her into the top three.

3. Superman

One of the best known crime-fighters, Superman is regarded by many as the ultimate superhero. With his striking blue Lycra and red 'S' logo, Superman is instantly recognizable. The bright red cape and external undies are equally striking and cost him first place. In the incredible words of Edna Mode, "No Capes!" Superman has everything going for him, scoring highest in almost every round except fashion which let him down so badly. Still, top three is respectable.

2. Iron Man

Tony 'Iron Man' Stark is basically a mechanical version of Batman, using brains and technology in the place of traditional super powers. His suit is the ultimate in cool and is the entire source of his super abilities. Even without the suit his smarts and wit are more than a match for most other mortals. The fact that he owns Stark Industries, the leading weapon manufacturer on the planet, makes him a pretty formidable superhero. But not quite number one material

1. Wonder Woman

Diana Prince a.k.a. Princess Diana of Themyscira a.k.a. Wonder Woman is the number one superhero in this list, beating out some pretty formidable opponents. She demonstrates proficiency in all of the elements required to be a world class crime-fighter, and manages to pack them all into an infeasibly small costume. Add to that her indestructible bracelets and Lasso of Truth and Wonder Woman is not just a Princess, but she is the Queen of all super heroes.

That's my top 10 superheroes as decided by my proprietary formula which calculates a rank based on a variety of measurable factors. The subjective nature of some of these categories means that different results are possible depending on who enters the data. This Top 10 is by no means indicative of who is the toughest superhero or who would win in a mass brawl or knockout tournament, and should not be relied on to predict the outcome of such contests.

Obviously some of you are going to disagree with any or all of these results, and I invite you to share your opinion in the comments section below. Maybe I missed one of your favorite superheroes or you want to know where a certain character figured in the top 100, either way, let me know.

1 comment :

Steve Rogers said...

What about Captain America. He is an awesome superhero. He would kick anyone's ass.

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