Thursday, August 20, 2015

Priest speaks out against pubic shaving

By +Alexa Rankin

Father Wade Mackenzie of St. Martin's Catholic church in Pittsburgh, has stunned his congregation, and is gathering a strong viral following after his comments on personal grooming during last Sunday's service. While preaching about the sins of the flesh he surprisingly shared his interpretation of what God thought about trimming and shaving the pubic region.

Father Mackenzie and his spiritual triangle
Father Mackenzie and his spiritual triangle
Father Mack, as he is known to his flock, has always been fairly liberal when it comes to preaching the word of the gospel, until last Sunday. Father Mack's tirade began with a reminder not to succumb to the temptations of the flesh, and moved on to the scanty clothing choices of people today.

His lecture leaned heavily on a pair of young women whom he witnessed at a waterpark, wearing extremely skimpy bikinis and leaving very little to the imagination. "God covered our special parts with hair to keep our eyes and minds away from temptation, and these wanton women take up the 'Shears of Satan' and remove their pubic hair. He made it so that it forms a triangle, not to be shaved into the shape of an arrow, but to remind us of the Holy Trinity."

"There are no rational reasons for anybody to need to shave or shape their private areas, except for sinful reasons," he continued. "Excluding, of course Mrs. Haggerty who  had her appendix removed yesterday and needed to be shaved to maintain a sterile area for surgical reasons. Please remember Mrs. Haggerty in your prayers today."

"I hear unbelievers claiming that they shave for reasons of hygiene. To those of you I say: Soapy water and the undeniable love of God are all you need to maintain personal cleanliness. Cleanliness of the body and of the soul and of the mind."

"I will read now from Judges 16:19 'And she made him go to sleep on her knees; and she sent for a man and had his hair shaved off; and while it was being done he became feeble and his strength went from him.' He became feeble and his strength went from him. Samson's strength; diminished by a simple haircut at the behest of a temptress. The sins of shaving are cast throughout the bible and we, with God's love, shall not fall foul of such temptation."

Samsung and Delilah
Why does our graphics guy never listen properly?
According to members of the congregation he went on and on for at least 30 minutes, with several small children looking perplexed and even scared. We spoke to Evaline Scallott, who was with her 8 year old daughter at the service and she told us, "He was like a crazed fool, it was almost as if he was possessed. I had to cover the ears of my little girl, who is not ready to hear about such things."

The Pope and the Catholic Church have not answered our request for an interview directly, but a statement issued yesterday says that neither His Holiness, nor the Catholic Church at large have a formal stance on the act of shaving any part of the body, allowing the individual to make their own choices when it comes to those matters. They do direct that each individual assess their personal reasons for making such choices and resist any urges which may be driven by sinful impulses.

Furthermore, they do not condone nor contradict the content of Father Mackenzie's outspoken sermon on the matter of personal grooming. They also suggest not shaving the hair which grows between the cheeks of the buttocks since it leads to days of painful walking and a stubble rash from hell as it grows back.

What do you think? Should it be a sin to trim? Was Daddy Mack right to go off on the shorn members of his flock? Have you ever taken a marker and added the letter 'h' to a sign to make it read "Jesus Shaves"? Use the comments section for your replies.

No comments :

Most viewed pages (last 30 days)

Slap the Penguin, more than just a satirical news blog

.