Sunday, January 29, 2017

The 7th Annual Slap The Penguin Awards

By +Ian C

Welcome to the 7th Annual Slap The Penguin Awards, or The Slappys™ as they are rapidly becoming known. This year's event will be short and sweet since we only published nine posts in 2016 and four of those were recap/review posts, so sit down, relax, and enjoy the next 3½ minutes.

The Seventh Annual Slap The Penguin Awards
The remake was awful so we borrowed this image instead

As is customary at the Slappy Awards, we don't rely on celebrity presenters, mostly since they all have "better things to do". [Exactly what hair are you washing, Stanley Tucci?] The votes are all in and we are all done counting them. Our voting system is based on the un-American 'whoever gets the most votes wins' method which allows us to present awards to the most popular choice in each category.

A Slappy(tm) Award
How would you like to win one of these?
Oh, I can hear the fanfare so the show is about to start. Pass me the popcorn, and a beer.

Most unimaginative/obvious joke
Sometimes you have to go with the proven formula rather than breaking new ground(hogs) and since it worked for Bill Murray back in 1993 we figured we would try it 20 years later after everyone forgot about it. The winner is...

Dear Tina - Groundhog Day

Most inspired debunking of a classic movie quote
Hannibal the Cannibal is one of literature's most creepy characters and he is well known for his popular food pairing of Chianti with liver and fava beans. However, our resident wine expert had a better pairing which he revealed in the winner of this category...

Where are they now? The Silence of the Lambs

Most outrageous and totally fanboyish prediction of the year
I get it. Ryan Reynolds is a cool guy. Not quite as hot as Ryan Gosling but definitely hands down winner in the personality race. Anyway he hadn't had a lot of luck in the movie world until the role of Deadpool fell into his lap and all of a sudden the world loves Triple R.

Deadpool - Movie of the decade?

Half Time Show
This would not be Slap the Penguin if we didn't put any bad taste or cryptic comedy in here somewhere, so our half time performance comes from those 80's glampoppers, Dead or Alive with My Heart Goes Bang (Get Me to the Doctor).

Female Celebrity of 2016
This category was totally uncontested this year, so she won't have to complain about our nomination panel being racist.

The winner is Jada Pinkett-Smith (Jada Pinkett Smith launches "The Black Oscars")

Male Celebrity of 2016
Again this was a totally uncontested category so the obvious winner will be announced below.

The winner is Kenny Loggins (Where are they now? Kenny Loggins)

Lifetime Achievement Award
The past few years we have been awarding this to people who have achieved great things and have lived their entire lifetime i.e. dead people. Since 2016 was such a bitch for dead celebs then we have decided to give this award to a popular musician who passed away pretty much unnoticed by the mainstream media after a cardiac arrest on October 23rd 2016. Our Lifetime Achievement Award winner is Pete Burns from the ironically named Dead or Alive.

Pete Burns Dead or Alive (a statement not a question)
Pete Burns tries to explain what a record is to a digital audience
That's it. We have no awards left to hand out. There are no runner up prizes or participation medals. If you didn't win then you lost. Thanks for reading, thanks for voting, thanks for understanding.

If you feel strongly enough about what has gone before then please use the comments form below to register your 'valued opinion' or you can just spam us and end up in the trash can. Either way, we do read every comment that comes our way.

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