Monday, June 15, 2015

Orange Is The New Black causes crime spree

By +Ian C

A New York woman went on a mini crime spree around Queens this week, after binge watching the newly released Season 3 of the Netflix original series, Orange is the New Black. Florence Weber, 33, of Bayside, Queens had been waiting patiently for almost a year to get her fix of the prison comedy/drama, and was all set with a bottle of wine and the remote to catch up on the latest happenings in Litchfield Penitentiary.

Orange is the new Black
Orange is the new Black
According to witness statements, Mrs. Weber had only planned to watch 2 episodes before retiring for the evening, but was so drawn into the show that she watched the entire 3rd season in one sitting. The single bottle of wine proved to be insufficient for the 13 hour marathon so she started drinking shots of tequila to maintain the gentle stupor required for binge watching 13 episodes back to back.

At approximately 11 am the following morning, Mrs. Weber had finished season 3 and proceeded to head out for brunch at the Aperitif Bistro, still in her pajamas and still intoxicated from the overnight entertainment. She drove to the restaurant and was refused service on account of her lack of sobriety. Mrs Weber started throwing plates and cups at the staff and instructed them to call the police so that she could be "taken to prison to do time with her girlfriends, Piper and Alex, and the Star Trek lady", some of the characters from the show.

She then proceeded to a local grocery store and started knocking over displays and writing profanities on the entrance door with a stolen permanent marker. During the fracas Mrs. Weber had somehow managed to distance herself from her pajama pants which were later found chilling out in the ice chest.

Florence Weber Mugshot
Florence Weber Mugshot - She even looks a little like Piper
Police arrived on the scene, and arrested Mrs. Weber on numerous charges, including DWI, assault, public disturbance, public indecency, attempting to bribe a police officer with satin underwear and being a self entitled middle class snot.

The arresting officer's statement said, "Mrs. Weber was visibly intoxicated and wearing only a pajama shirt and blue satin underwear. She was attempting to write an obscenity on the automatic sliding entry door with a black marker. I cautioned her and asked her to step back and lay down on the floor to which she replied "Why don't you lay down so I can sit on your face, Pornstache", who I later discovered is a character from a TV show who has similar facial hair as mine. I subdued Mrs. Weber as she attempted to bribe me by offering me her underwear in exchange for her freedom. I then handcuffed Mrs. Weber as I read her her rights and took her to the station."

On the advice of her attorney husband, Mrs. Weber declined to comment on the events leading up to the arrest, and she has since been released on her own recognizance pending trial. The trial has been set for August 17th 2015 and Mrs. Weber, if found guilty of all charges, could face up to 3 years in prison and/or $3,000 in fines. 

Have you binge watched all of season 3 yet? How many seasons do you think they could stretch #OITNB out for? Do you think Florence Weber will find love like Piper and Alex did? Who is you favorite character from Orange? Share your thoughts in the comments section.

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