Easter - the true origin

+Brad Naylor

For about 2,000 years Christians across the globe have celebrated Easter on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox. The date changes every year based on solar and lunar activity, which all seems very Pagan to me.

Easter - It's about more than just eggs

Anti-Resurrection theorists have recently been publicizing their thoughts regarding the events of that infamous Easter weekend some 20 centuries ago, when Jesus was crucified and allegedly resurrected a mere 48 hours later.

Recently discovered parchments suggest that around the time of Pontius Pilate, 5th prefect of Judea, the Roman 'police' were struggling with a variety of lawless activities as well as a Christian uprising. In order to subdue the religious zealots, Pilate rounded up the ringleaders and crucified them, including the soon to be immortalized Jesus of Nazareth (not to be confused with Dan McCafferty of Nazareth).

During this time, two friends, Burkenstein and Hareowitz, who were looking to make some easy money and didn't mind breaking a few laws to get it, stumbled across a lucrative and seemingly harmless business. Little did they know that their scheme would lay the foundation for an entire system of belief.

Unaware of their future impact on Christianity

For the full and officially sanctioned insight into the happenings of Holy Week, please consult a bible, or make the semiannual trip to the church of your choice to appease your conscience and remind your god that you still think of him and still want to be saved come judgement day.

• As a side note, Palm Sunday is not a special day for those guys who gave up sex for Lent.

Anyway, long story short. Jesus was found guilty and nailed to a cross until dead. He was then put in a tomb on Friday afternoon and just left there, because it was already 5 o'clock and Pilate was not paying overtime. So, nobody had chance to prepare the body with oils and spices as is the Jewish custom. Saturday was the Sabbath and nobody works on the Sabbath. It wasn't until Sunday that Mary Magdalene (Jesus' alleged girlfriend or possibly wife) and some other women went to dress the body and found that the tomb was open and the body was gone.

There he was...gone!

The women were then startled by two angelic characters in bright white robes who said, "He is not here; He has risen!"

Mary and her friends were thrilled at the news that Jesus was not lying and that he was in fact immortal. They started spreading the news amongst the masses that Jesus Christ, the savior of mankind has risen, and that they were all going to be saved.

"That was some quick thinking", said Burkenstein. "Thanks", replied Hareowitz, "I'm glad we wore the angel costumes for this one. Now let's get this body to Doctor Knox before anyone else catches us stealing it."

As for the eggs and the bunnies, we haven't figured that one out yet, Happy Easter.

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