New penguin species not new after all

Earlier this week a group of scientists specializing in the study of penguins were all excited, congratulating themselves on their recently discovered new species of penguin. They published a report claiming that the discovery was a previously unrecognized variant of the gentoo penguin and it is called Pygoscelis Kerguelensis, since it resides exclusively in the isolation of the Kerguelen Islands, also known as the Desolation Islands, in the southern Indian Ocean.

A group of Gentoo Droogs off for a bit of the old ultraviolence

New cocktail creation - The MAGArita

I know what you are thinking, the Margarita is not a new cocktail, it was invented in 1938 by Carlos Herrera in his Rancho La Gloria restaurant for one of of his showgirls who was allergic to all other spirts besides Tequila. Actually there are a number of similar but differing origin stories for a Margarita, but that's the MCU multiverse for you. Anyway, back to the point; this drink is a MAGArita and it is new.

A new cocktail called a Magarita

AI = Annoyingly Integrated

It seems that you can't even read the back of a cereal box without someone thrusting AI down your throat. It's everywhere and it's got it's sticky robot fingers in everything we do today. AI could be a good thing thing, a useful thing but it's getting out of hand.

Garage door open with the press of a button

National Football League sue unknown writer over copyright infringement

Enna Fell was an unknown writer from a tiny town in New Hampshire until the National Football League named her in a multimillion dollar copyright infringement lawsuit over her newly published book, The Superb Owl, a story about a nocturnal bird who was admired by all the other birds in the forest for her majestic plumage.

The first (and last) edition of The Superb Owl by Enna Fell

The second coming has already happened

There are many prophecies and stories regarding the second coming of the Messiah, but a growing group of people already believe that the Messiah has been reborn and is already walking among us. They believe that the new Messiah is none other than stage magician David Copperfield.

David Copperfield performing one of his illusions - or miracles

AI tool helps men identify more than 8 colors

A fancy new AI tool allows users to identify all 16.7 million unique and individual colors using their camera phone so now men can express themselves beyond the basic 8 colors of the Pink Floyd album, The Dark Side of the Moon.

The 8 masculine colors as defined by Pink Floyd - see the irony?

MAGOO is the new MAGA

Make America Great Again - a bold and powerful statement, and depending on your definition of great, it can mean any number of things. That is why the M.A.G.A. movement is transitioning to the more clearly defined acronym M.A.G.O.O. Make America Grey Old Obstinate.

Mr. Magoo - old, short sighted and not too bright. Coincidence?

BuzzBallz banned from Iowa golf course

A golf course in Grimes, Iowa, has banned the trendy alcoholic beverage, BuzzBallz, from it's grounds due to extreme behavior from their patrons, who are sneaking it in and leaving a wild mess behind them.

BuzzBallz Choco Chiller, formerly known as Choc Tease

World Cup Final 2026 Preview

Things could get a little Messi

Tomorrow (Sunday 19th) sees the biggest football game of the quadrennial for 96% of the planet, and for the other 4% it's called soccer and their team is out so they stopped giving a crap. The 2026 FIFA World Cup Final will be contested by Spain and Argentina at Met Life Stadium in New Jersey at 3 EST/ 12 PST.

2026 FIFA World Cup Final between Spain and Argentina

Taylor and Travis got married - Honey Badger edition

For those of you who are new to STP, allow me to introduce you to one of our more popular guest writers, Honey Badger.

On July 3rd 2026 the area including and surrounding Madison Square Garden in New York was closed down to mere mortals and only a handful of hand picked elite were permitted through the barricades to be within spitting distance of the Wedding of the Year (so far) between her musical majesty, Taylor Swift and the over the hill football star, Travis Kelce. The barricades were not there to keep the people out, but to keep the smugness and the grandiosity in.

A barricade around MSG to stop the grandiosity and the smugness from leaking out from the wedding

Love Reaches New Heights

 Empire State Romance

What’s your idea of a romantic proposal? Flowers, champagne, fancy dinner? How about paying the kiss cam operator at a ball game? All fabulous ideas but they pale in comparison to the escapades of a daredevil couple who climbed 1454ft of New York’s Empire State Building to unfurl a giant flag on Wednesday 1st July. The banner read “When the power of love beats the love of power the ‌world knows peace.” It was at that moment that Ivan Kusnetsov (32) proposed to Angela Nikolau (33).

A dramatic recreation of the flag unfurling and proposal

USA stuffed by Turkey

Or Türkiye or however they say it now

Thursday 25th June 2026, 22 weeks before Thanksgiving, and the US national soccer team faced off against the nation of Turkey in the final group match in group D of the Soccer World Cup. The US team had already qualified as group winner, thanks 2 to previous wins in the group against soccer giants, Australia and Paraguay and did not need to win this match to proceed. Just as well, the Turks were playing for national pride as they had already been called out as one of the worst teams ever, having taken 70+ shots on goal and scored with none of them, so they had something to prove. They also had nothing to lose with no mathematical way of proceeding to the next round and were already booked on a plane home.

The score is now embroidered in history

Austin Powers 4 - Mike Myers says "Yeah, baby"

Does this news make you horny?

Mike Myers has recently confirmed that the next movie in the Austin Powers series is in the works. The Powers character and his cronies have seen a brief resurgence in a Verizon commercial being shown during World Cup soccer matches, and Myers believes it is time to bring the same tired old jokes to a new generation.

Allow me to introduce... myself

UFC Freedom 250 to take place on White House lawn

Officially named #1 shitfest of 2026 (so far)

Sunday 14th June 2026 is Flag Day here in America, but fuck that shit, it’s UFC Freedom 250 day, a much more important event in the history of the USA, and to celebrate it, the illustrious leader has built an Octagon on the front lawn of the White House. I get that America is celebrating its quarter millennial birthday, and nothing says Happy Birthday like a dozen people Ultimate Fighting each other over the course of an evening in front of 5000 people.

Freedom is still covered until the Republicans can confirm its definition

Is AI coming for your job?

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

Lazy Satirical News Blog Publishes Fluff Piece

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

The Trump Phone has finally landed

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

Sixteen years of Slapping The Penguin

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

Mississippi woman reuses single use plastic bag

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity

but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

Errant Escape Emu Terrorizes Nashville

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity,

but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

2002 Message in a bottle found in New Zealand

New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity,

but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

Melania Trump rising in Dead Pool Rankings

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity,

but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

Wisconsin County Trials Round Stop Signs

 New Slap the Penguin post available on SLAPTHEPENGUIN.SUBSTACK.COM

This website is still functional as an archive and as a way to be informed about our latest activity,

but for the foreseeable future, all our new posts will be on Substack.com. 

Best Worst Name For A Distance Running Coach - Ever

One of the reasons STP took a break from writing satirical news is that we were struggling to compete withe the ridiculousness of the actual news that was happening out there in the really real world, and this story from pscbobcats.com the Peru State athletics website is living proof.

Not the place to finish in a cross country race…

Hulk Hogan pissed at sex tape gone viral

Now that Hulk Hogan is no longer with us, having passed away on July 24th 2025, I have no guilt or legal restriction for reviving this post from 2012 which we were forced to remove with the threat of a lawsuit which we would not have been able to afford. In accordance with the legal request the post and images were removed from our site and all computers which we had control over, however, the internet archive of the waybackmachine is beyond our reach and I was able to dig out the old post from there. And now for your delectation and very mild titillation STP presents to you, in all it's original glory the resurrected after 14 years story of Hulk Hogan's Sex Tape.

Originally posted on October 8th 2012

Terry 'Hulk' Hogan is fuming because a sex tape featuring him and a still unconfirmed female (Heather Clem) has been leaked  and has gone viral. 

Hogan Knows Breast, Brother

7 Deadly Clickbait Tricks That Are Ruining Your Brain

You clicked.

Of course you did.

The internet has trained you like Pavlov’s dog, except instead of a bell it’s “You Won’t Believe…” and instead of food you get 47 ads and a list that ends with “just kidding, subscribe.”

Congratulations. You are the problem.

But don’t worry — this is the one clickbait article that will finally cure you of clicking on clickbait.

Don’t click the bait - oops too late

Substack Launch

Hey everyone, someone I know told me all about something called Substack and so we will me using that as the base of our operations moving forward. The idea is to make a shit ton of money revisit older posts and post current commentary on them, about why they are still valid or why the humor doesn't work today, and give you, the loyal reader, a chance to weigh in on the discussion. 

We will also be sneaking new material into the mix as and when it seems relevant and somebody can be bothered to write something that is not overshadowed by the natural irony of current news.

Slap The Penguin at Substack